Love art, will travel

What makes you come alive?

2012-01-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

This is a great question. I think I have a hard time drawing a line between things that I enjoy doing, things that I am good at, things that I am interested in, and what I should actually be doing as a career. I also get irritated that I finished graduate school, have the loans to show for it, and haven’t figured this part out yet.

So here is the first activity that comes to mind that I love; reading. Reading for pleasure: hooray! But I’m very aware that reading for the academic purpose, while I love obtaining new information, puts me to sleep almost no matter the content. This fact makes me doubt the appropriateness of my desire to get a PhD. However, I know that I love being in the academic environment, in the presence of learning.

The second activity, of course, is making art. This I know makes me come alive. The struggle lately has been deciding what to focus on creating. I want to create things that empower and bring joy to the viewer. Things that clearly communicate the beauty and ability that is within them to live their purpose in life. The combination of the above two things has obviously led to the current pursuit of the teaching certification in fine arts.

Another is writing. I find incredible therapeutic relief from writing through my thought processes, and I can always end up with at least a partial solution to whatever internal question I’m working through at the time.

Something else that makes my chest explode with exhilaration and gratitude is travel, particularly to places of immense natural and architectural beauty. I love to participate in all aspects of travel. The research, the planning, the eating, the meeting of locals and other travellers, the collection of a piece of art of any form from the destination, and of course the documentation; writing about it, photographing, and then the creation of something inspired by the trip if I feel so inclined. I’ve been able to satisfy this desire pretty well so far, and given the upcoming (3 months and 28 days to be exact) relocation to England for 4 years, we’re going to be basking in the joys of travel quite extensively.

So then what about the degrees? I chose both majors with the intent of equipping myself to change people’s lives for the better, and hopefully via the ripple effect, change the world. I suppose having two consecutive experiences that made me feel that I wasn’t truly able to do any good kind of damaged my perception of my choice in majors and made me start questioning whether I should have chosen a creative major of some sort instead to fill the hole that I was feeling after those experiences. But I think I just haven't had the opportunity to work for the type of organization that I dream about working for, those rare organizations providing artistic and/or educational opportunity to the youth that need it the most.

So I suppose what would make me really come alive is being able to find a magical mixture of all of the above things. While it feels like that might be me wanting to have my cake and eat it too, it also feels like these aren’t extravagant things to want out of life. I also feel that one should follow the things that they are called to do, the things that make one come alive. Because that’s what we are here for, isn’t it? To live? To really experience what it feels like to be alive in the way that we are meant to be, that we are capable of being? I like to think so. Believing this has made life so much more beautiful and exciting than I think it would be otherwise.

So I think that my ‘goal’ or intention for 2012 is to figure out how to make that happen; my magical cake eating situation. I definitely believe in the power of visualization and what it can manifest in your life, so far it has really proven itself with me. So I believe that if I really focus on this, think about it daily, write through it and make choices that send me in that direction, it can and will happen for me in the way it is supposed to. I’m very excited to see what comes about :)

To living,

Emily

Welcome back, happiness.

2011-12-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

Big Sky Christmas Love

I’ve missed you. It’s all about perspective, I know… the dust cloud over the ugly wasn’t helping. Now that my and my husband’s living abroad dreams are coming true, the world seems very rosy again and I can feel the positive energy surging through my veins again. So much to think about as we prepare to leave the country for 4 years… sell or take the car… doggie passports… which village to live in… what to buy, what to leave… will there be a Crossfit… where will I work… the list goes on. All things that I am grateful and joyful to be having to think about. I mean, how epic is this? Every once in awhile when I stop to really reflect on my current situation I think about what it would have been like to know what I would be doing at this point say, 10 years ago. If I would have been told I would be preparing to move to England, have a masters degree and be on my way to teaching art, and had the most amazing love imaginable, I would have laughed at such a fantasy. And on top of it to have so many incredible friendships and family constantly putting the most delicious frosting ever on the cake of my life; I just bask in the love and gratitude, unable to find the words to express the sentiments.

We could not be more excited for the move, prematurely stalking rental listings in the area and drooling over English brick cottages with greenery overtaking the walls and fences, listing all the amazing places within a 3 hour flight time from London, and plotting my birthday trip back to Ireland in June to spread my Gram’s ashes while riding a bicycle around the Ring of Kerry. Life is about to become a new level of incredible, and we hope to have a lot of visitors to share it with :)

With gratitude,

Emily

Waiting for the Click

2011-11-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

What right do I have to be uninspired, to be without passion? I have been struggling with this for awhile now… the loss of charge, the loss of fire for what I believe in...and the guilt that corresponds. I feel like if I can pinpoint exactly what it is that caused it, then I will be able to cure it. I’m slowly getting there, little bits at a time, but only when I am presented with an incredibly inspirational human or act. It used to be that I could find that inspiration in every little piece of my day, no matter the circumstances. Is it simply aging? I refuse to believe that. Many older women over the years have told me that my optimism will decrease with age. What a dismal thought. Is it because I have been surrounded by mostly ugly scenery for over a year now? Apparently picturing natural beauty in my head and seeing pictures is not good enough, I need to see it first-hand, breathe it, touch it. But could that loss of aesthetic appeal be so closely tied with my loss of inspiration and passion? I am so desperate to have it back, and am working so hard to figure out what I can do to retrieve it. World leaders and governments definitely aren’t providing a platform for hope, and the delusional sheep that enable them make me feel like it is a pointless fight. I can’t wrap my mind around such selfishness and greed, nor the idea that each of us are so separate from each other. But good doesn’t win by sitting back and letting evil progress of course. I suppose I also struggle with still being unsure of exactly what it is I’m supposed to/want to be doing with my life. The college/grad school part is over-- I’m supposed to know, right? So many people don’t, but I never thought I would be that person. It’s still blurry in my mind, and the more experience I gain and information I obtain, the blurrier it has become. Education reform? Yes. Art? Yes. Maximizing the potential of every human? Yes. It seems easy, mashing my 3 passions into something amazing that will change the world…it always felt like it would be easy, anyway. I know there is an element of insecurity in all of this as well… being told I essentially suck my entire childhood by the person that should have been doing the opposite leaves some serious scarring on a freakishly sensitive soul such as my own. I’ve come a long way in that department, but I know that is the reason that many of my ideas and aspirations don’t make it past the private journal stage… that fear of sucking. Or failure, or disapproval by others… you get the idea. Its not that there has been a lack of approval or encouragement, not by a long shot. But we all know that the 1% of something can have incredible dominance over the 99%, in so many aspects of life and our thought processes. It is figuring out the key to overcoming that tiny piece of negativity and hanging onto it for dear life that is the struggle. Meanwhile, I keep showing up to the table; the art table, the work table, the learning table… and having faith that it’s going to click when it is supposed to click.

The Days of Awe

2011-09-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

So one of the many awesome things about working at a Jewish synagogue is that I am currently experiencing a set of very important holidays that I never knew much about nor have first-hand observed. Yesterday was Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and a week from now is Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). There are other holidays during this time as well, but these are the holiest. The energy was beautiful as almost 850 people poured into the temple to celebrate, sing and pray with their community. I was privileged to hear two incredibly beautiful and resonating sermons in the last two days, both of which provoked much thought and reflection… as I suppose good sermons are meant to do.

Much of the feeling during these holidays is around apology (hence the ‘day of atonement’) for things you may have done or said to others in your life throughout the past year or more, which spurred me to think about exactly that. I like to think that I’m pretty self-aware and that I put a lot of thought into what I say to others. Of course I am also prone to speak my mind, but when it concerns interaction with others and their feelings, I tread compassionately. But you never know. You never know how someone may interpret your words and actions regardless of your intent. I think about how ridiculously mean girls were and are in junior high and high school. I had countless experiences being the verbal victim of girls that for some reason thought it was their place to say incredibly rude and wretched things about and to me. I was grateful that I had thicker skin than some others that I witnessed being harassed and bullied. I remember one occasion in which I was on the other side of the bullying, and I am ashamed of it to this day. I am also ashamed when I think of all the time that I witnessed bullying and didn’t do anything to stop it or to support the victim. Bullying today has reached new heights, catapulted forward by the powers of social networking. Now bullies can hide behind a keyboard while simultaneously projecting their evilness in a public forum and increasing the negative effects it has on the victim exponentially. It blows my mind the way kids can literally cause someone to kill themselves and feel absolutely no remorse or responsibility afterwards. What kind of people are raising children that way? I cannot wrap my mind around such disregard for another human. I know it is impossible that every person I’ve ever come in contact with is reading this blog. And I have no way of ever really knowing how my words and actions may have affected any of those people. But I want to put it out there that if I have ever done or said anything that hurt you or made you feel any type of negativity about yourself or towards me, I am truly and deeply sorry. That is not the person that I strive to be, and you deserve better.

This leads to the other topic that resonated with me this week, and that is of ‘throwing people away.’ I think each of us has experienced both ends of this at one point or another in our lives. There are relationships that we walk away from because its healthier that way, but I feel like this is different. Of all the relationships that I have left or been left, I can’t think of any that I have 100% stopped caring about that person or what happens to them. I think of ‘throwing someone away’ as abandonment without reason. I’m not saying this is everyone’s take on it, that’s just how it feels to me. I also think the average person probably feels like they were thrown away many more times than they have done the throwing themselves. I know I do. It’s a horribly painful experience to feel like you’ve been thrown away, why would any of us want to harbor the idea that we made another person feel that way? In our minds, we feel completely justified and reasonable…while the other person doesn’t always understand what is happening. This concept makes me think about my biological father in a more compassionate light. Perhaps he is dredged in his own guilt so heavily that he can’t even fathom the idea of ever meeting with me. But maybe not, I have no idea. It helps to think that way though.

Anyway, the High Holy Days are in full force and I am excited for what is to come :) And here is a picture of our doggies just because they're super-cute and I love them :)

With gratitude,

Emily

Fall is near...

2011-09-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

The air I fantastize about breathing while breathing Phoenix air.

The weather forecast keeps taunting me with potential thunderstorms and temperatures under 100 degrees. I try to reflect on the summer and I barely remember it happening… just a blur of frustration at living in this wretched dirty sweaty ugly city and hiding in the house with my delicious husband, wonderful dogs and blessed air conditioning watching all 6 seasons of Lost. I wish there were more seasons.

I did successfully revel in the reaching of my next intention, which is obtaining my teaching certification in fine arts. I cannot explain the joy and relief I now feel having reached this transformative decision. In going through this process, each student must take and pass the state’s proficiency assessment regarding the specific subject matter they want to teach, mine being fine arts. So I print out the practice test and study guide… and failed hardcore. Being that I’ve always just created, and never trained, I have never been formally educated in the relevant details of art history, theory, critiquing, etc. The few questions I did know were regarding materials, process, relationship, etc. So realizing how much I don’t actually know about these topics made me nervous initially. Not too long ago, I would have been convinced I need to just get another degree and put off the test until afterwards. But after a nice yoga session, I decided to find my nearest library and go get what I needed to learn the material. I mean I could be a professional student at this point, so why the hell not? Hooray for public libraries by the way, please support your local collection of knowledge! So here I sit (taking a break to spew this blog) cramming my face off for this test. I have until November 19^th, so I think I’ll be ok… but I also realized that I’ve never really cared about a test as much as I do this one. My undergrad and graduate degrees didn’t involve much formal testing, and I never had to take the SATs, ACTs, GREs, etc. , so its not like I had an opportunity to care, but I’m really excited about this. This is knowledge that I’ve always wanted, but never had time to really get while I was learning all the other madness. I’m actually savoring every word of it, not skimming, and actively working to retain it. Not that I didn’t care about everything else I’ve studied… its just that this is the stuff that so much of my soul is made of… creation, depiction, visual communication, beauty… it just makes my heart sigh with relief.

It is not the case that I didn’t try to go to art school several times before I landed where I did academically, it just never worked out for me financially to go, and after 4 attempts going awry in one way or another, I decided that maybe I just wasn’t meant to go to art school. But I can still sit here in this moment and feel like I actually was meant to go to art school, or maybe I’m still meant to do so in the future. I don’t regret my academic choices by any means, I highly value my experiences, knowledge and relationships that came as a result of the entire process. And it isn’t the most practical idea anymore, having already gone through graduate school and holding the loans to show for it. I’ve considered the doctorate in arts education, but I’m not really interested in doing that level of research at this point. Maybe I will be later, but not now. Who knows. I know I want to do an artist’s residency at some point, preferably in the European countryside for at least 2 months. But right now, this teaching certification has fallen into place beautifully and easily and my brain is bursting with curriculum ideas. I think this may be a critical milestone in satiating my constant desire to figure out exactly what I’m supposed to be ‘doing with my life’…but most importantly my feeling that there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled with art. Hey that rhymed! Awesome.

Cheers,

Emily

Illegal Wood and Tarantula Stabbings

2011-08-31T16:39:00.000-07:00

I really need to discipline myself to write these things when it is fresh in my chaotic and forgetful mind. Anyway, this hellish summer of intolerable heat and filth was nicely broken up by a weekend of camping up north near Flagstaff. I'm slowly learning that the term 'camping' in places aside from Montana and the very tops of mountains means "pay a fee to pitch your tent 10 feet from this other person right off this lovely blacktop that we laid through what used to be a beautiful forest. But don't worry we left as many trees as we could without losing profitable space so we could take pictures of them for marketing purposes." I'm slowly accepting that this is what camping will be like when I am not back home. Its ok. As long as the air is clean and I am surrounded by greenery and trees, then I am happy. It was pouring rain as we arrived at our site, and there were only two other people camped in the area. The rain was welcomed, as was the privacy. We set up our sweet nylon abode and kitchen area, complete with a tarp foyer. The dogs were pissed that we were making them hang out in the rain, but once they realized that there was cool dirt to lay in, joy ensued.

Its rad, we know.

After we crawled in our delicious tent, Barnum and Bailey's 3-Ring Circus rolled in and we woke up to tents, pop-up campers, BMWs and various other things that don't really do well in the forest surrounding us on all sides. Bye bye privacy... but what to expect in an urban campground? :)

Interesting points of the weekend included...

Seeing one of these trying to crawl into our tent: Don't worry we stabbed it repeatedly with a large stick while squealing.

No joke.

Camp host dude rolling up on his golf cart after we returned from fishing to tell us that the size of our wood was illegal. I could make several jokes here, but his ridiculousness took care of itself. "I just saved you two from a $5,000 fine and the Forest Service taking you STRAIGHT to jail! I told you to read the sign on the bulletin board!" (He never said any such thing about a bulletin board.) When I went to look at it, there was a handwritten note thumbtacked to it saying that wood had to be under 24" in length and 5" in diameter. In other words, you had to buy his wood for $15 a bundle rather than bringing/chopping your own. Sorry buddy, we're not yuppies, nor are we stupid.

The dude in the BMW came and asked us to borrow a lighter, way past dark, because he was trying to start a fire with his car lighter. We also had to tell him how to start the fire. And he was scared of our dogs.

See how scary...

The nearest lake to our campground on the map was Mormon Lake, so we went looking for it. Turns out it was a very large field, with a lovely little seasonal village on the edge. Apparently the lake dried up. Luckily there were other lakes in the area and we were able to give the doggies their first 'swimming' experience. Oh the hilarity. I wish my camera was waterproof.

This weekend away in happier climate and environment was very much needed, as I was ready to punch Phoenix repeatedly in the face. I still could, but I feel much more detached from it now and am doing my very best to not let it affect me. Nothing earthly lasts forever, the weather will become more tolerable, and at some point we will move somewhere that is actually enjoyable to look at and breathe in again.

Next endeavor? Getting my teaching certification, with a specialization in Fine Arts. Eff. Yes.

Parting the Cloud

2011-08-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

Beginning of the latest dust storm over Phoenix

So I’ve been doing a whole lot of bitching and moaning and being generally pissy and negative lately. I suppose I hit a wall yesterday and realized what a whiner I’ve been.

This will be my final rant, I promise: Phoenix sucks. It’s a dirty, ugly, dusty, concrete sprawl and I don’t understand how anyone who appreciates natural beauty of any sort could enjoy living here. I feel like I can’t keep my house clean due to constant layers upon layers of dust floating in from our loose dirt slab of a ‘yard’ and I feel like I haven’t taken a single breath of clean air since I’ve been here. I’ve been told that the first summer is rough, but holy shit. The impending winter better be epic. The cabin fever I feel far trumps any that I felt in the winter in Montana. Just walking to the mailbox is a dirty, sweaty, exhausting event. The last couple of weeks all I’ve felt like doing is sleeping, trying to cure this everlasting headache, painting, and generally sitting on my ass and wishing I was getting the fuck out of this godforsaken place and back to someplace with grass and trees. Being broke and unable to fly anywhere with said greenery adds to the frustration.

So here comes the positive. I am married to my soulmate, the most loving, understanding, delicious, beautiful, devoted, amazing, wonderful husband I could ask for. I never thought I would actually be in a relationship in which so much love is equally exchanged every day. We live in a beautiful house that we have made our own, and have two of the best doggies that I have ever met in my life. And I’m not just saying that because they’re ours. They are up in the ranks with Fleetwood and Layla for sure. I was vitamin D deficient for years living in Seattle, but now I am jacked up with vitamin D every day. I got a fabulous job with some amazing people right after moving here, was able to enjoy the luxury of a brand new car briefly before I realized it was pointless and got my sweet ass back into the Jetta I know and love. I have spare time to paint, to cook delicious meals, to work out, to write, and to spend with my husband and our doggies. We have a super tall ceiling that is going to accommodate the giant Christmas tree of my dreams in about 4 months, my best friend came to visit, my other best friend is coming to visit soon, and my mama is even coming to visit in the fall. I’m still having trouble getting to a meditative state lately, and I’m sure the cloud of negativity is what is impeding me, so I’m checking out the area Buddhist Temple to see if I can get back in the groove. Very exciting :)

I don’t like how I’ve been thinking and behaving the past few weeks, and I realize that it is my choice to get past it and change my perspective. I know that we aren’t going to live here forever, and that I need to soak up the vitamin D while I can and make the most of my time and capabilities here. A lovely passage in a book was shared with me recently, one that encourages ‘riding the mule backward’ rather than forward. We can’t see what is going to happen up ahead very well if at all, so it is better to put the energy into the present as well as where we’ve been. In reflecting on this, I can’t say that I’m proud of how I’ve been handling the last few months of my life. Regardless of the negative shit that I’ve gone through, it is still my choice in how to process it and use it to benefit the rest of my days moving forward. So Peace Corps wasn’t the best experience for me. I know I need to move on. I’m not there anymore, and I don’t ever have to be in that position again. I hope I’m in the position to go back and visit all those I love there eventually, but that will be strictly for pleasure and un-Peace Corps related. I learned some incredibly valuable things while I was there, about myself included of course, and I met some people that will be in my life forever. This is incredibly valuable, and I am very grateful for that. It just wasn’t for me. Perhaps it would have turned out different if I had been younger or done it before grad school. But who knows, what’s done is done, and it is pointless to dwell. So no more of that either.

Life is good, love is good, and I am blessed to be where I am in life and doing what I’m doing. I’ve been letting the dust cloud over Phoenix impair my usually rosy outlook on life, and I am taking the control back. Besides, fall approaches and soon we will be able to leave the house again, followed by guests, Christmas, my best friend’s bachelorette party, then my best friend’s birthday and many more beautiful things to experience. Lesson learned, universe. My intention is positivity, love and joy. Not the latter.

With gratitude,

Emily

Shedding the mud

2011-08-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

So apparently I'm going through a serious 'lesson learning' period in my life right now. At least that's how it feels, and what my constant lucid dreams are telling me the last few weeks. As I've discussed a million times, my future-think problems reached a raging climax a couple of weeks ago. I was feverishly trying to figure out what I needed/wanted to get a degree in next, even going so far as to consider going into the Air Force as an officer and getting a full scholarship. I avoided this rabbit hole after some more thought. And a 'you need to calm the eff down' lecture from the best friend. I realized that simply not having a solid, tangible goal makes me feel very lost and confused. And without a graduation, application, internship abroad, etc. on the horizon... I suppose I just have to re-evaluate my definition of the word 'goal'. Its not really feasible at this point for me to start a Ph.D. program, when we won't be living anyplace long enough for me to finish one. Its pointless for me to get another Masters when I would rather just get the Ph.D. I also haven't fully reached a conclusion on what that Ph.D. should be in yet. So that answers that. So a goal doesn't have to be a degree or a destination, it can be anything really. But I don't play small potatoes. I'm into life-changing accomplishments. So how do I balance this? Enter Danielle and her new bundle of nutritional discovery (I live vicariously through her Naturopath appointments). We are both in constant search of practices to be as healthy as possible, so this is a pretty exciting concept. So I'm going Paleo. Google it.
Two weeks later...
Just reading a study about how a period of serious unhappiness can actually lower your level of overall happiness even after the 'dark period' is over. Is that what has happened to me?

I have never questioned my level of optimism, happiness, and general joy before. And I don't feel that I am unhappy... I'm incredibly happy actually. I just don't feel like certain things have the same 'spark' for me as they once did. My level of excitability has decreased, my faith in others and humanity in general has decreased, my faith in myself has even decreased. I have questioned my academic decisions, my aspirations, my ideas, wondering if I spent all these years going in the wrong direction. This whole idea completely contradicts my assertion that everything happens for a reason, the spiritual curriculum is planned before we arrive here, etc. I still very much believe this. But was I really supposed to commit my life to serving others, viewing service in the Peace Corps as the epitome of that service... only to be completely dashed and disappointed by what I experienced there? It has most definitely tainted my view of the human services/nonprofit realm and my role in it. I have been having some regret about not combining the art development into my education as well. I feel I have become more reclusive, having much less interest and desire to deal with the public or public places. (This is where a therapist would say we need to talk I'm sure). That could just be living in Phoenix though.

As far as the art goes, now that I'm out of school and have more time, I have made a personal commitment to myself to really put more energy into this aspect of my life. (Check out the new tab! Etsy Shop coming soon...) I feel positive about it, and hope it grows into something that I can be proud of. As far as the negative side of all of this, I know that I sometimes have unrealistic expectations of people/situations, and I then blame others (or the people in charge of said situation) when my high expectations are not met. This is my fault. I'm working on it. Nonetheless, my massive disappointment with that experience has caused a very long residual trail of self-reflection, self-analysis, and a feeling of being somewhat lost professionally. If you asked me right now what my dream job would be... I could give a few snippets of ideas, but I have nowhere near the massive big-picture plan that I used to. Even worse, I question my capabilities of accomplishing those visions I once had. I'm still trying to figure out why. Do I really feel that I'm not capable? Or is it that I'm just not interested in the same visions as I once was? I don't think I agree with a lack of capability, I moreso feel that my passions are taking a different direction that I haven't quite been able to define yet. And that lack of definition is the cause of Negative Nancy swimming around in my head. I know I am very committed to the art. This aspect is going to take on a seperate life of its own. But I am also realistic, and know that a 'normal' job is also necessary for survival, structure, use of my academic achievements and preventing me from becoming an eccentric recluse in an art studio.

Some things I can move on quickly from. Some things take me longer. Its rough being a Sensitive Sally sometimes. The worst is thinking that I am 'over' something and then it comes cruising back around to remind me that I'm not quite there yet. Baby steps I guess.

I also have a bad habit of writing these massive thought blurbs and then reading them again the next day and having moved past it, don't feel the need to post it. Writing on its own is therapeutic, and always helps me deal and move forward, but then it kind of defeats the purpose of a having a blog, right? I'll work on that, too.

Until We Meet Again...

2011-06-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Gram and me!

What can I say in honor of my Gram… she left me with so much. Gram made every moment a teaching moment, either instilling in me my incredible nerdiness and desire to learn, or recognizing it and feeding it… or perhaps a combination of the two. She taught me to read and write, so well in fact, that at school they made me help the older kids. She was very proud of that. She taught me to spell, to do math, to bake bread, to fry the perfect egg, to recognize the beauty in the natural world, to ignore negativity, to be a good sport, to be patient (this works sometimes), to shoot, to utilize my brain in every way possible, to do the best I can at everything I do, that I was capable of anything I wanted to do, and most importantly, to be honest with myself as well as others no matter what.

She played a very strong and important role in my childhood and life, one that helped to shape who I am today. She always made me feel loved, especially when others were doing the opposite. She always kept my playroom stocked with art supplies, and always played with me rather than telling me to go play.

I think Gram felt like she had partially died the day she became tethered to an oxygen machine. Even more so when she had to give up her garden and flowers and move into the nursing home, and a little more the day her legs stopped cooperating and the wheelchair became her transportation. Every day I wished I could give her physical freedom again, it was torture for her to feel so dependent, and torture for me to watch it. She always made light of the situation though, taking every opportunity to give the nurses some shit or yell at Paula Deen to take off her gaudy rings if she was going to be mixing food with her hands.

I made it home in time to spend her last 6 hours and 45 minutes on this earth by her side, and will be forever grateful that she waited for me; she chose to leave her body with my hand on her chest and just the two of us in the room. It was a humbling, beautiful and bittersweet experience that I will cherish forever, just as I will the 27 years I was blessed to have her for. The pain of her loss is sharp, but the joy I feel for her return home and the freedom from her body far outweighs my sadness. She is free, and I am blessed.

Our last picture together, on her 81st birthday last year

Until we meet again, my beautiful Gram. Thank you for everything, from the bottom of my heart.

With endless love and gratitude,

Your granddaughter

Hooray!

2011-06-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

- for finally ordering a laptop cooler so my dinosaur of a Dell stops shutting off randomly due to overheating. Particularly during Skype conversations.

- for my job and my awesome boss, and for my upcoming vacation to a most delicious place filled with so many people that I love.

- for married life and truly having an other half after all.

- for our sweet loving beautiful doggies.

- for getting a water softener installed today and reclaiming my skin and hair from the harshly dry Arizona desert.

- for hanging out alone in my underwear for an entire day.

-for P90X and going back to my natural hair color.

- for Andrew Belle, Florence + the Machine, Lissie, Lady Gaga, Mumford & Sons, Adele, Jessie J and the final installation of my nerdy nerdy Harry Potter love affair.

- for confirming that I did inherit my Gram’s cooking gene.

- for Pandora, my Droid, Netflix and Amazon.

- for living somewhere completely jacked up with Vitamin D. Every. Day.

- for spiritual evolution.

- for making lists of awesomeness.

The waves

2011-04-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

I had no intention of posting this.

4/4: I’m worried that I’ve lost my motivation and/or passion. Not completely, I mean I haven’t changed as a person I don’t feel, I just feel like it has gone down a few notches, or maybe gone a different direction that I haven’t picked up on yet. Perhaps being in an environment filled with so much of the opposite of motivation and passion and watching the gradual implosion of humanity at its own hands is starting to bring me down, discourage me, question any reason for hope that we as humans are going to be able to pull our heads out of our asses before we destroy ourselves. I contemplate abandoning all my pie in the sky save the world plans and focusing on saving the animals instead. Their destruction and endangerment isn’t their own fault. I know I’m sensitive to various things, especially things that result when a handful of shitty humans are making life incredibly difficult and/or horrible for a very large number of other humans.

I feel like it has gotten harder for me to meditate, harder for me to see the silver lining, harder for me to envision the future and where I may belong in it. This is the first time in many years that I haven’t had a ‘plan’ or next step laid out. There was always a move, or the next college or degree, then another move, then Peace Corps, then another move… and now I’m in a job that I’m really enjoying while not having homework every night for the first time pretty much ever. I have time to spend with my new husband (4/18 note: oh yeah we went to the courthouse and got married on April 1^st. It was super simple, quick, and deliciously romantic and I’m the happiest little newlywed ever. I never thought I would be this cheesy.), my dogs, I have time to grow plants, cook awesome meals, workout, keep my house clean, read what I want to, watch movies, and still sleep a full 8 hours a night. Life is pretty effing amazing. But it’s still a strange feeling of non-direction. I mean clearly I’m going in a direction, the direction I’ve been trying to go in for a long time. There just isn’t a defined next step like I’m used to having on the horizon. I haven’t had time yet to do any painting, so that could be contributing to my feeling of being slightly lost I suppose. But writing helps too, and I haven’t been doing as much of that either.

I’ve always struggled with the whole ‘living in the moment’ thing…I’ve written about it many times, and now that I don’t have said next step in mind, I suppose this somewhat forces me to live more in the now. Which is great, I’ve been trying to do it for a long time.

Two weeks later…

Wow that was depressing…I’m feeling much more relaxed and getting more and more comfortable by the day. With the new lifestyle, with how I’m filling my thoughts, with humanity again, with mentally moving away from my experience with Peace Corps. My job is providing me with new and unexpected personal and spiritual learning experiences on nearly a daily basis, and my optimistic perspective is coming back around with a deeper layer and thickened skin.

Regarding the art aspect of my life, I read a great blog that emphasized simply ‘showing up to the table.’ You can’t create anything if you’re not standing in front of your surface of choice with the tool of your choice in your hand. So I did, and it worked, and I feel much better now. I will continue to ‘show up to the table’, without an over-analyzed agenda, and see where it takes things.

It’s getting very warm here, much to my happiness. I’m a bit frightened for the deathly temperatures of summer, but I so far I think it will totally be worth it. I’ve planted some cacti, and one of them is already sprouting a little cactus baby. I’m so proud, as I’ve killed many a plant in my day. I don’t want to jinx myself, but as of this moment, I’m keeping 10 cacti, 3 house plants, and 1 flower alive. If things continue in this direction, I hope to move onto planting some tasty vegetables. *fingers crossed* So desert life is going well so far :)

The Arizona Chapter.

2011-03-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

Scarlet & Henry

I sit so serene and joyous at my Gram’s antique secretary’s desk that I refinished in a thin wash of white, bathing in the magic of Adele’s new (amazing) album, fantasizing that I could sing like that, and finally gaining some semblance of calmness in my life again. I’m not sure of everyone’s definition of calm, but mine is starting to appear. Our new puppies are laying on their bed spooning at my feet, they are the greatest puppies ever, we love them so much :) I now have my own transportation to get to my new job, which I love so far, we are 99.9% unpacked, and I have Tavche Gravche in the oven nomnomnom.

Reverse three weeks… the road trip across the country in a Uhaul through what essentially was a 3 day blizzard was quite the adventure and led to two unexpected overnights in cheap hotels in order to avoid death-by-folk-unskilled-at-driving-in-the-snow or rocketing off the freeway ourselves due to awesomely high-quality Uhaul tires. The scenery was beautiful however, see more pictures here: https://picasaweb.google.com/enger.emily - and we made it safely and were greeted by the sun and 80 degrees of joy. We scored and found a great house right away, and were able to move in before I even had to take the Uhaul back. The next couple weeks were a blur of money spending, furniture buying, house supplying, grocery shopping, etc. I, by some miracle, got the first job I interviewed for, doing the work I want to be doing, for the kind of boss I want to be working for, with the kind of organization that I never thought I would be at, but which I am enjoying immensely and learning an incredible amount about another culture. The Ph.D. will be going on the back burner for awhile but I feel that my educational desires are definitely being fulfilled in other ways. I’m also working on a project with MyBillOfRights.org to install a beautiful monument of the document in Bolin Plaza, downtown Phoenix. It is a fabulous organization with an important message, check it out :)

James officially proposed on March 3^rd…as I was waking up he was on his knee bedside, this time with a ring. I said yes of course :) Wedding to follow in 2013…

Still decompressing from the brief-but-highly-impactful Peace Corps experience. I met some really wonderful people that I will never forget. I became slightly more cynical about the world through my individual experience, but I’m gaining the humanistic optimism back with time…though at a different angle. I’m sure the more time that goes by I’ll be able to more comfortably describe my experience.

In May, I’m headed to California to join my best friend and her family for the NorCal Ride Ataxia, which was started by Ash’s cousin Kyle. Kyle is one of the most amazing humans I have ever met and feel blessed to know him. He is an inspiration to human kind. There is a documentary about him and Friederich’s Ataxia coming out soon, watch the trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMD6YfZeXV8. Its ok to cry, I do every time.

I’m getting very slightly acclimated to Phoenix, and those of you that know me well know that I’m incredibly directionally and distance impaired. The only thing that helped me survive in Seattle was seeing the water. So down here, you can imagine that I have nothing really to help me in that department. Thankfully, I got a Droid which saves my ass regarding navigation. I can finally get to work and back without it now, which makes me worry that having constant GPS in my hand may further impair my ability by causing my complete dependence on technology rather than trying to learn how to tell where the hell I am and how far 1 mile actually is.

Entirely new things this move has brought into my life include a car payment and living with a male as well as sharing a bed with him. I’ve always been very lucky to have not had a car payment, but starting fresh here did not facilitate that privilege. Signing that paperwork was definitely a stressor, but a necessary evil. And anyone that has also moved in with a partner understands the adjustment that comes with that. An interesting ride, but a very fun one at the same time :)

All in all, the chaos spiral has nearly come to a point once again and life is pretty fabulous, as it generally is. This past few months have definitely been a bifurcation point in my life, and I feel that I’ve come out on the upper half of it and am fully equipped for the next phase and chapter. I'm happy to be home in the states and moving forward.

Onward and upward,

Adjustment

2011-02-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

So the transition back is somewhat rough so far, more so than I expected it to be after only 5 months. Before getting here, I dreaded having to talk to anyone and explain myself a million times, but I’ve gotten far more joy and love and happiness that I’m home than anyone caring why I actually came home. The question I’ve gotten most is: “Weren’t they feeding you over there?” Apparently I’m super skinny. I’m sure I will fatten back up right quick with my mom feeding me and Mexican food at my disposal. Aside from not really wanting to talk to anyone that isn’t in my immediate circle at the moment, it feels very very good to be home.

The hardest part about this whole thing for me has been reconciling in my head the fact that I’ve wanted to join Peace Corps since I was a kid, and then I got partway through my service and realized that it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing at all. I tried for quite awhile over there to tell myself that it was normal, but it wasn’t until I was actually happy again that I realized how incredibly unhappy and not myself I was while I was there. I’m now legitimately excited about the future again, and what is to come. I was there long enough to learn what I needed to learn from the brief experience, and I am ready to move forward. I know I want to stick close to home (meaning stateside) for awhile, and in other decision affirming news, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. The doctor is very optimistic and encouraging, so we are optimistic and encouraged about the road ahead. In other words, I would have come home anyway as soon as I received this news. All good energy, positive vibes, prayers and love for my mom and her boobie is greatly, greatly appreciated :)

James and I will be cruising to Phoenix in a Uhaul on February 25^th to begin the next chapter, and I couldn’t be more excited. Pre-Peace Corps, Phoenix was one of the last places I wanted to be, and now it feels like I’m headed to the joyous vitamin D loaded mecca for old people of my dreams. The blogs may be sporadic for awhile as I get my head on straight again, but the writing soothes my soul so I’ll get back to my normal rate eventually, perhaps more. I don’t want to start writing too much that is in my head right now and regret it later, so I’ll be a bit withdrawn for awhile…

Onward and upward :)

Why I chose to leave Peace Corps

2011-01-30T06:08:00.000-08:00

This has the potential to be the longest blog entry on the face of the earth, but I’m going to try to do this in a fashion that will not bore or annoy you. Let me start with an analogy. You know when you’re in a relationship that you know isn’t going anywhere? Yet you keep hanging on because you don’t know what you would do otherwise and you’re clinging to the hope that one day you will wake up and it will be ‘better’? Well I’ve been clinging to that hope for about 5 months now, and I still cannot shake this overarching feeling of unhappiness. On the surface, my life here has sounded pretty great, and I know my blog didn’t usually convey much negativity, for many reasons. I have awesome sitemates, fabulous friends at nearby sites, great colleagues at work, and I had some really exciting projects in the works. GLOW, and the girls in my art class have been the number one highlight of this experience for me hands down. It also has nothing to do with Peace Corps as a body. I had wonderful personal experiences with almost every staff member, and was supported and taken care of from day one. And despite all those positives, on a daily basis I question whether I am supposed to be here or not, whether this is the right decision for my life right now, what I should be doing otherwise, and how much longer I can stand for my sad days to outnumber my happy ones. While everything was right on the outside, it was not right within.

I know many people will quickly assume that my engagement made me leave, which isn’t true. Some will still presume as such, but they are irrelevant. Of course I would rather be waking up next to him everyday than my cat, but we are used to long distance and it was not the deciding factor in this situation. I have tried as many methods as I can to reach a point of contentedness, making sure there were things in my daily routine that had brought me joy back home. I would feel good for a short period of time, but then descend even further down than I was before. For awhile I thought it was just crazed PMS (see previous post) but it became apparent that it wasn’t going away.

Even though they both told me its ok and they totally understand, I feel as though I owe massive apologies to the VAC committee, and especially GLOW. I deeply care about these issues and was 100% committed at the time I was brought on, but they weren’t enough to outweigh all the other factors at the end of the day. My guilt over this piece in particular had upped my stress level to the point of anxiety attack… which is no fun. The whole thought process and struggle with the decision began to affect my health in various ways, which led to my closest friends back home becoming concerned about my being here as well.

I know we’re in the ‘posh corps’, I know I could be living in a mud hut or freezing my ass off somewhere. I appreciate that. But I still can’t manage to get happy, even though everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, and that it may be too early to make the decision. But when you’re unhappy for that long and it is affecting your health, a change needs to take place. So that is what I’m doing. This decision was horrifyingly difficult for me, the most difficult decision that I have ever made…and I shed a lot of tears over it and felt like the floor was falling out from underneath me on several occasions. And if you are disappointed, don’t worry, I have enough disappointment for everyone combined. Bottom Line: Life is too short. If I was told that I was going to die tomorrow, would I regret having spent my last days here? Yes. And asking myself that question is what pushed me to finally make my decision.

This experience has definitely been life changing for me, as short as it has been in comparison to what it could have been. I have learned an immense amount about myself, others, this culture, and even more about my personal values and what is important to me moving forward in life. Everyone in my life has provided endless, amazing and unconditional love and support from the day I decided to apply until now, and I know it will continue, because I have incredible people in my life like that. I know I need to look at this as a learning experience and not a failure, but that piece is really hard to swallow as well. The more days that go by since making the decision, the relief slowly overtakes the stress. But I feel like there are other things that I should be doing with my work and my life right now that would be bringing me much more joy, and I don’t want to waste time that could be spent doing them.

I will be forever grateful for having gone through this experience, and for all the wonderful people that I met along the way. For now, I’m headed back to Montana to decompress on my best friend’s couch for a few weeks, and then off to Phoenix to move in with my future husband and hopefully go back to working with old people all day, as that is where my heart truly lies. Without trying to sound like an award speech, I want to specially express gratitude to Tracy, Austin, Deb, Lidija, Lolita, Ivana T., Matt, Nadica, Christine Moore, Sofija, Monika, Amanda, Aimee, Robert, Candy and Jasminka , and of course my host family for being particularly awesome, supportive, loving, rational and overall amazing humans for the past 5 months. I hope to have you all in my lives for many many years to come.

Leaving Negotino was a very bittersweet moment, and I was showered with love, tears, hugs and gifts…from my counterparts and friends… even my landlord was crying. I did not expect to have made such an emotional impact in such a short period of time. It was very humbling, and saddened me very much to be leaving everyone. I spent my last three days in Macedonia in Skopje, going through all the exit meetings, doctor appointments, etc. that a volunteer must go through when departing the Peace Corps. The incredible Tracy (who will be taking loving care of Captain as well as the art class for me, for those who are wondering) came with me to help me and be with me through the day, and I will never be able to thank her enough for the difference that made. After all of my meetings for that day, we went and wandered around Skopje, and she showed me some things that I hadn’t seen yet. Unfortunately, I failed to have my camera on me, otherwise I would share. Just believe me that it was interesting :) The highlight of the day was when we went to Mother Teresa’s memorial in the center of Skopje. At the top of the building/museum, there is a small yet beautiful dedication chapel that is constructed almost completely of glass, complemented by intricate metal working and wood carving throughout. The ceiling is very tall, and has a massive dome patterned skylight that I’m sure makes it even more epic inside when the sun is shining. As I sat there absorbing the love that was put into the construction of this space, my mind quieted for the first time in a very long time, so much so that I was actually able to hear the voice in my head besides my own. I came from that room with a sense of calm and assurance that I have not had since I arrived in Macedonia, and am very comforted in my decision to depart. I know that I am doing the right thing for me at this time, and once again my path is going in a different direction that I thought it was, but I am still only partway on that path and stopping is not an option… as usual.

With so much love and gratitude,

Emily Jo

Wake up sun

2011-01-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

Photo by jotomolo

How could your day NOT be off to a fabulous start when you are gently and silently awoken by the beautiful beams of liquid delight streaming in through your window? I have such a deeper appreciation for the sun than I did as a child, as it is pretty much sunny all the time in Montana. Even when it is so cold that your nostrils freeze shut, the sun is still glaring off the snow in an attempt to blind you with joy. I didn’t realize how much the sun or lack thereof affected me until I spent 5 years in Seattle and went for sometimes weeks and weeks straight under the grey could of DOOM. I would find myself having total emotional breakdowns and spending a thousand dollars to go to Sedona by myself for one weekend just so I could have spa treatments in the sun for three days and regain my sanity. Finally, my doc tested my Vitamin D levels and discovered that I was 50% deficient, and I was educated on the massive effects that this deficiency can have on one’s existence.

Speaking of which, there was a thick, cold, grey blanket of fog over Negotino (and other places I’m sure) for over a week, and it nearly killed me. Everyone seems to be aware of my ‘dark period’ now, and from the feedback I’ve gotten, I now know that I’m not the only one that has been struggling on and off. *Thank you, this makes me feel a lot better* :) I have requested more sufficient Vitamin D from Dr. Darko, you may want to consider doing the same. The day that the sun finally appeared in Negotino, I was overcome with joy and pretty much skipped out of my apartment and had an idealist fantasy that winter was over and the sun was going to greet me everyday until December came again. It lasted for about 5 days, and now we are back to the grey, cold, snowy business. Needless to say, I have been doing a lot of sleeping and watching TED talks and seeking inspiration from every source possible.

On the work side, things are great. We’re preparing for the wine festival, St. Trifun, and for the upcoming travels in relation to the grant. Slovenia is first on the list, in March! I hear its beautiful, so that is exciting. I’ve met with a couple of the local NGOs, and it looks like a couple of interesting projects are going to come from that, and the highlight of my week is meeting with my GLOW girls and planning for the art class. Meanwhile, I still fantasize about Mexican food, sushi, avocadoes, and real chai.

Last week, Austin and I attended Vodici, the annual cross-throwing event at the river Vardar. This event happens in every community in the biggest body of water, and is similar to our Polar Bear clubs, but for a purpose. Nearly the whole town turned out to watch, and the priest performed a blessing on the cross and the river, and then chucked the cross with some sort of plant/herb bunch tied to it. I was expecting many more people to be swimming, but about 15 men jumped in the water after it. Go up to my ‘other joyous links’ tab and you will see all the pictures. The guy that gets the cross gets to ask all the town people for money and is blessed for the coming year.

Kristin and the amazing Fleetwood in back

This Saturday, one of my best friends will be celebrating her 28^th birthday, so I wanted to give her a public shout-out of love and appreciation. Kristin, you are a magnificently beautiful human. Your honesty can be sharp at times, but it is always appreciated. You are an amazing friend, provide endless love to those close to you, and have been there for me in any and every situation since the day I met you. I feel incredibly blessed to know you, to have gotten to live with you, be a part of your life, and to be one of the few that gain entry into the ‘Kristin circle’. You have perfected the mixture of caring compassion and rationalism and I am forever grateful for you. I love you so much, and miss you and your sweet Scooby-Doo boxers. I hope you have a beautiful birthday weekend :)

Love,

The root of the love.

2011-01-15T11:31:00.000-08:00

The Gpa.

So when I decided to start writing occasional posts about the things that I love, of course this is the first one that came to mind. I mean seriously, check him out. How could you not love that magnificently adorable man? This picture is of him on the day I graduated from Seattle University with my Masters degree. He was “so proud he could just bust” as he has stated to me many, many times. I bought him that bowtie because I knew it would up his adorable factor by about a thousand.

But let’s really talk about G-pa. This man has been doing nothing but giving since I was born, and since he was born as well I would imagine. This is the man that inspires me to be the best possible human I can be, because being anything less would make me feel unworthy of his endless pride that he has for me. He has sacrificed his own situation and finances countless times in order to help the ones that he loves. While making sure that I’m happy, warm, well fed and have a car with good tires on it, he is hanging out watching MASH by himself in his one-bedroom apartment in his slippers from the thrift store. I try to get him to move in with me all the time, but he’s not having it. If I ever try to pay for breakfast, it nearly turns into a public brawl. If it weren’t for him, I literally would not be where I am today. He has enabled my education, my travels, my transportation, my growth, my emotions, my soul-search. He has inspired my personality, my values, my direction in life, and my perception of other humans. He became my standard for men, and my confidence that good ones do exist. He is one of the main reasons that I hesitated when making the decision to join Peace Corps, because being away from him causes me pain, and the thought of losing him and not being able to make it back in time makes want to… well, I can’t really find the words for that kind of heartache. But I accepted that such a horrifying thing could happen even if I was only next door, and made sure to tell him in printed detail about my love and appreciation for him before I left the country. He would have kicked my ass if I were to stay because of him, anyway.

Here is a small excerpt from what I wrote him: I talk to God everyday, and there is a special place in my mind that I reserve for my most passionate prayers, the ones in which I am screaming my gratitude for the incredibly abundant, full and beautiful life that I have been so blessed to live and the people I have with me. In particular, I am basking in thanks for you, Grampa. Without you and your endless multi-faceted support system, your encouragement, your selflessness, your generosity, your beautiful heart and soul, continued sacrifices, positivity, worry, optimism and listening, I would not be where I am today. You make me proud to be who I am because you tell me you are so proud of who I am. Seeing the sparkle of excitement and joy in your eyes every time I come home to Libby makes me want to run back out into the world and work even harder at being the best possible human I can be and do as much good in the world as I possibly can. And to quote another favorite man of mine (Dave Matthews of course), “I love you oh so well, like a kid loves candy and fresh snow – I love you oh so well, enough to fill heaven, overflow and fill hell”

So yeah. It wouldn’t make sense for me to start writing about all the things I love about life without first addressing the main reason that my life is what it is in the first place. Gpa, my little Norwegian blessing. Thank you for always being on the other end of the phone, for choosing to love me, for believing in me, and just for being. No container could ever hold the amount of love. Ever.

I love life.

Click for Inspiration

2011-01-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

I would love to write something profound. Something that makes people say ‘oh my God, that is exactly what I needed to read today’. How do you do that? I read so many different things everyday, find new blogs everyday that I find incredibly insightful, intellectual, hilarious, inspiring, etc. I would love to be that for someone else. I feel like I possibly have some valuable insight to share… I went through some rough shit at a young age, as many folks have, and it forces you to grow up fast and realize things about yourself and the world that you may not have realized without having gone through said pain/experience. I feel like I have done a good job at figuring out the areas in which I excel, the areas in which I don’t, figuring out what I am passionate about and directing my life towards feeding those passions. I feel like I have maintained a positive attitude throughout life, and fought my negative moods tooth and nail when they do occur… because I believe that happiness is a choice, attitude is a choice, gaining perspective is a choice, loving is a choice, and how you deal with the circumstances that life brings your way is your choice as well. It is a choice to not take care of yourself, and I think that taking care of yourself means all aspects of yourself… mentally, physically and internally, meaning your soul.

To take care of all aspects of yourself is, to me, the highest honor you can bestow upon your creator, regardless of ‘who or what’ you think this creator is; the Universe, God, Supreme Being, the Divine, your Highest Self, the One, etc. I like all of these titles, as I think they all accurately describe what most of us seek. If we go further with this, and believe that this Being is of us, within us, around us, and IS us, and by us I mean ALL of us, then shouldn’t we be taking care of all aspects of not only ourselves, but everything about the world around us, as well as each other? In a nutshell, spending your life damaging others and the world around you is equally if not more damaging to yourself, to your soul. There is an enormous difference between taking care of yourself, and only caring about yourself. There are far too many people that don’t understand this distinction.

I think maximizing your potential falls under the category of taking care of yourself. Figure out what you love, figure out what you’re good at, figure out what you’re passionate about, what makes you the most happy in life, and then DO IT. This is a win-win situation, for those that will encounter you in life, and for your soul. Don’t do something because it pays you a lot of money. Do something because you absolutely love it, believe in it, and can’t imagine living your life any other way. Your love, talent and passion for it are the things that will make you a success. “Don’t use your life as a tool to make money. Use money as a tool to live your life.” So many people are confused and/or sure that money is going to bring them eventual happiness, or provide ‘financial freedom’. Who gives a shit about money if at the end of the day you don’t have one genuine person in your life that loves you enough to tell you how obvious it is that you aren’t happy? You can’t take it with you, your soul is the only thing that continues, and if it looks essentially the same as when you entered this life… well that to me would be failure.

I think that I might start writing about the things in life that I love. This could create endless blog posts, as there is so much to love about life, and I am so blessed as an individual that I have tons of things to write about that would smear love all over this page. Yup.

Onward and upward,

EM :)

Kitteh on Drugz

2011-01-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

So I took the Captain to get ‘castrated’ today as they call it here. I put him in his carrier this morning and began the trek across town to the veterinary office, and I could feel him vibrating the whole way there, though he made it without fear pooping, which is always good. The doc and his assistant took him, and asked if I wanted to watch. Hell no, thanks. I feel bad enough, let alone with him looking at me and knowing I was responsible for him getting his manhood chopped off. They told me it would only take a half hour, which was surprising, I thought I would have to come back and pick him up later in the day. So I hung out and chatted with the other woman that worked there, and soon they brought me kitty in his carrier, wobbling back and forth with pupils the size of, well, his whole eye. I get him home and open his carrier to see if he can even do anything, and he only makes it as far as his neck, with his paw reaching desperately out in front of him waiting for the couch to stop moving in circles I suppose. He looked terrified, as I would be as well if someone shot me full of drugs and removed one of my body parts in under 30 minutes, so I tried to lay down with him so he could cuddle and maybe feel slightly comforted. This went well, until I moved too quickly to scratch his head and he thought that demons were swooping in to end his life and he rocketed off the couch using his back claws in my arm as a catapult. I looked to the floor, and he lay there in a drug-induced blob of fur, eyes wild with fear and non-understanding of his ability to run or accurately assess his spatial surroundings. I brought him back up to the couch for attempt #2. He feebly tried to nuzzle his head under my arm, but couldn’t keep it steady and his eyes were still the size of saucers. He kept nudging forward until he was at the edge of the couch and slowly tried to extend his paws toward the floor, succeeding, yet not figuring out how to get his back half down there with him…so I helped him with that step. He teetered and wobbled toward the dresser, and 5 minutes later, made it the 2 feet and then began to army crawl in an attempt to get under the dresser. His back half was still not with him at this point, so he splayed his back legs apart as far as possible and just drug them, while fear peeing due to his complete lack of comprehension of the world. Or numbness. Or a combination of both. Hooray for hardwood floors. Let us also note that his ‘area’ is dyed green from what I’m not sure, I’m guessing something similar to an antiseptic that happens to be green in these parts. Anyway, he continues to make his way along the wall at a painfully slow and swirvy/wobbly-type pace, eyes still blasted open all the while. I follow him, and he is going for the litter box! Such a good kitteh… sooooo effed up and still manages to make it to the toilet… I’m so proud :) After this, I decide to put him back in his carrier so he can just relax and hopefully not have a complete mental breakdown. A few hours later, he emerges, with an apparent higher awareness of what is happening in the world, walks in a few circles, stares at me in wonder, eats two kibbles, and passes the eff out. Still sleeping as I write this. Rough day for the kitteh. I hope that when he wakes up and assesses his ‘situation’ that he doesn’t hate me and still wants to cuddle :( This may have seemed like an extensive explanation of such an event, but it provided me massive entertainment for a few hours.

I haven’t blogged much lately because I haven’t been in the greatest place mentally, and have been doing some serious soul searching and assessment of what it is exactly that I’m doing over here, what I need to do over here, what I want to do over here, what I’m ‘supposed’ to do over here, and everything in between. I even questioned briefly whether I should be here at all, and am also trying to figure out what kind of work I’m supposed to be doing when I return to the states, even though this may be a premature thought process. I have decided that another Masters is not on the list of desires, at least for now. Everything here that causes any kind of stress, frustration, annoyance, or any other negative feeling… is maximized and much more intense, due to (at least for me) the simple fact that my entire support system is on the other side of the planet. It can appear from most of my blogs that everything is wonderful and magical and great and happy, but that definitely isn’t the case all the time. I tend to put anything that doesn’t come off as completely fabulous in a written journal instead…which has its pros and cons, just as anything does :)
Doing so, however, can also make the negative much worse, when it feels like everyone back home thinks everything is fabulous when its really not. So here is me saying its not easy. There, I feel better.

What I would love right now is a maple bar.

You almost won this time, crazed raging hormones.

2011-01-03T13:53:00.000-08:00

Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about the flailing emotional rollercoaster that PMS injects into my brain, causing me to curl into myself like a black hole of optimism-sucking doom and question every factor of my current existence. Not only does this uncontrollable occurrence of nature ram into my brain like an asteroid, it does so sneakily… so stealth in fact that I don’t even realize what time of the month it is, nor do I remember that I have a slight hormone imbalance, or why I feel like Armageddon has just descended upon my life plans. It is only days later when my lady-parts start firing flaming poison-tipped arrows at my other lady-parts that my brain suddenly emerges from the vast and seemingly endless pit of black pessimism sludge and starts to function clearly and logically once again. Birds are chirping, the clouds part, and the sun emerges…if only to let me know that it does, in fact, still actually exist.

Ok, so I’m constantly accosted by unhealthy food, drinks and cigarette smoke. I will continue to politely say no and go on with my day, my work, and my life while avoiding rooms filled with the poison cloud at all costs. My desire is not to offend by declining; my desire is to maintain my physical health.

And my Macedonian sucks. It has slowly been draining from my brain since the last day of PST. I rarely use it, I very rarely need to use it, will very rarely need to use it in the future of my work here given the nature of the projects I’m doing, and at this point see my language capabilities growing very little over the next two years. I will not continue to stress about this. I am fine with this. I have what I need to survive and take care of myself, and will learn more at leisure during the next two years. (This is me reaffirming feel-good statements for the sake of my mental health.)

And a few other things that I will remain PC about.

So shame on you, overabundance of chemicals, for making me question whether or not I should really be here due to a few minor/petty details. Of course I should be here. My job is awesome, my colleagues are awesome, and I’m one lucky chick. This year is going to be kick ass, even though you managed to obliterate the first 3 days of it. The rest are mine.

Sincerely,

ME.

Nova Godina

2010-12-31T17:38:00.001-08:00

It is officially 2011. It’s a strange feeling. A year ago today I was partying in Spokane with Danielle and her man, and hiding with my other single friend in the spare room because we didn’t want to deal with all the schmoopy ridiculous couple-y kissy crap when the clock struck midnight. This year, I’m on the other side of the planet, wishing I was able to kiss my future husband when the ball dropped. Ah, the irony.

New Year’s here in Macedonia is the most largely celebrated holiday of the year, even more so than Christmas. There was a fireworks display worthy of our Independence Day, barbeque, rakija and wine flowing like water, Turkish belly dancers, singing, dancing, lights, and incredibly cold weather. I enjoyed the cultural experience until the reckless use of fireworks by the local children caused me to fear for the safety of my eyeballs. So I retired to my cozy little apartment to Skype with my loves and tell them how awesome 2011 is already, and in 8 hours they would see for themselves. Or just to be warm and watch movies and try to figure out how I felt about spending New Years in another country without anyone that I would typically spend it with. I also have a somewhat strange feeling about this year, like I can’t get a good read on the kind of year its going to be. I’m going to be doing a lot of traveling with work, which will be amazing. I’m going to be working with my group of girls for the art class as well as for GLOW, which I’m ridiculously excited about. But I have this odd feeling deep down that something not-so-great/really weird is going to happen this year. I don’t know why. I definitely don’t want to start out the year on that note… maybe its because I’m sitting here by myself (by choice) in a foreign country on new years and I’m slightly homesick and its influencing my perceptions. A year is what you declare it to be I feel, so I would like to declare that this year is going to be even better than the last, as all the years have been so far. But right now, I really want to be at home with my loves. Tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll feel better… so maybe I should just go to bed.

Happy New Year, may your 2011 be even better than your 2010 :)

Peace and love,

Christmas in Macedonia

2010-12-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

So my first Christmas ever away from home was not near as sad as I expected it to be. Of course I was sad because I missed my loves and family at home, but I ended up spending Christmas Eve as well as Christmas with some pretty wonderful people who made some very delicious food, and we even went to an art exhibition on Christmas Eve to add to the goodness.

Going to Strumica on Christmas Day was quite the adventure, as our cab from the bus station took us to the wrong neighborhood on the opposite end of town. En route, he stopped and yelled out his window to a passer by asking where to take the Americans. Once we got to where he thought we should go, even though we told him exactly where we actually needed to go and even had it written down for him, it was quickly apparent that it wasn’t where we were supposed to be. He and another man hanging out in the street tried to usher us into the home that they thought we should go into, and we said ‘no, not here’… all of this going on in Macedonian… at one point I thought I heard English in the distance and had some hope, but it was only an olfactory illusion. The cab driver said that he would figure it out and sped off down the mud road. We stood there laughing and trying to call our friends where we were supposed to be, but they didn’t answer. A few minutes later, we see our cab hurtling back towards us through the mud… in reverse. He pulls up (or down, I suppose being as he had just rocketed at least a mile in reverse) and he had somehow found Jim, another volunteer who actually lives in the home that the man dropped us off at. It all becomes clear! We were so happy to see him. So we hopped back in the car, and proceeded to our actual destination about 20 minutes in the other direction.

Christmas Day and Night was a foodie’s delight for sure. Great company, great food, a couple gallons of eggnog that was inhaled by all but me within about an hour, and bottles and bottles of rakija, mulled wine, and some amazing desserts that I pretended not to be insulin resistant for, just because its Christmas :) Our cheeks hurt from laughing so much, and no one wanted to go to bed because the conversations were too hilarious and wonderful. I have some pictures, but most of them are on others’ cameras so I will share when I can.

On Monday, I got to go to Mavrovo for a meeting regarding the development of a grant that we’re working on. I was expecting a deserted mountain cabin, but instead was presented with a beautiful ski mountain and lodging, and somehow I ended up with the suite at the top of the hotel. Joy! The food was good, the scenery was amazing, even though there was a ton of fog. The hotel staff was fabulously kind, the guard dogs were super cute, and my Jacuzzi tub was wonderful, though not as hot as I was hoping :) Once I had the ipod going and was in the water, I hit the button to start jets run by an engine that was apparently obtained from an old airplane. I just turned the ipod up louder and closed my eyes… after a few minutes it sounded like a second airplane was joining the first and I stopped the jets only to realize the noise was coming from the toilet. In this moment I was very glad I knew how to fix a toilet, as calling the front desk while in a towel standing outside my bubbly Jacuzzi while yelling over the sound screaming from the toilet did not seem like a very appealing scenario.

Lidija and I also went to explore the other hotel and further up the mountain, which ended up actually being where the ski lift started. It was really beautiful with no people there, just sparkling snow and some leftover ski tracks from the day. One of my favorite sounds in the world is the crunching of snow under your feet on a silent night. It was also especially beautiful because there is almost zero traffic up there. The snow is left to its beauty on every branch, bush and rooftop. It is not stained brown by exhaust or mud… it was so pristine and sharp, it looked like the Original Artist had spent hours perfecting the placement of every flake and creating lines so visually thin and perfect, the contrast against the wood was incredible in its detail and amount. There was a very old church that was built before the lake got to be as high as it is, and now the roof is caved in and it looks like its floating in the water. It was so beautiful… see pictures (of this and all Christmas adventures so far): http://picasaweb.google.com/enger.emily

I still have New Years and the Macedonian Christmas (Jan. 5-7) to celebrate, so more to come!

Love,

Holy Amazingness, Batman

2010-12-20T00:04:00.000-08:00

As the work day was coming to an end on Friday, my counterpart received a phone call from the European Union. It was just the three of us plus the mayor hanging out in the office chatting about the New Year’s events (I got to design the posters!) and practicing English/Macedonian with each other. All of a sudden there was yelling, bouncing, cheering, smiling and incredible amounts of high-fives. The mayor and I were both slightly confused at first, but it turns out the EU was calling to tell our department that they had been awarded a ridiculously large grant towards our aim of sustainable tourism development. It is similar to the grant that we are working on currently, but on a much larger scale as far as the number of involved participants in all the partner towns. So in a matter of about 20 minutes, my 2011 went from somewhat busy and exciting to this:

January – Chernomelj, Slovenia

February – Week of Wine, Negotino

March – Greece (for Women’s Day)

May – Mirnovino Del Lecce, Italy

July – Camp GLOW! and Campulung + Bucharest, Romania
August -- Dve Mogili, Bulgaria

September – Negotino Fair

October – Popovo, Bulgaria

All due to the amazingness of my site placement and colleagues and their incredible hard work. How does this life keep happening to me? Its beyond words at this point, I feel like I have exhausted my vocabulary when it comes to trying to express the amount of gratitude and humility I feel for the path that my life has taken. I never in a million years dreamed that this is the kind of Peace Corps experience I would be having, nor did I expect to be doing this type of work in so many beautiful places. I know this kind of schedule is going to make this two years fly by, but I’m going to make every possible effort to savor every single minute of it. I only hope that I can provide for this project as much as I’m going to be getting in return, and I promised my department that I would be the greatest volunteer that they had ever seen, as they were dancing and pouring Rakija like water into all of our mugs. They claimed that I was the luck that brought the grant, and I strongly contested that I was the one receiving the luck, they earned this through their research and efforts.

On another wonderful note, my secondary project is moving forward, as I have met a lovely young artist who is currently helping me recruit the girls for the artistic expression class supplemented by the Chill n’ Spill journal from Art with Heart that I’m going to teach every week starting in January, though probably February now with the Slovenia trip. I’ve been wanting to teach this class for a very long time and have been crafting ideas and curriculum since I got to Macedonia, and now it is slowly coming to fruition. I’m incredibly excited about this and looking forward to giving a group of young girls another outlet in their adolescent lives, as well as being in a position to foster their creativity and expression on a weekly basis. They are excited to also use this as a chance to give back to their community, by holding an exhibition at the end of the class and donating the proceeds from their artworks to a local charity of their choosing. If all goes as dreamed, I will be able to ‘teach teachers’ as well so that the class is sustainable and can continue to make an impact after I leave Macedonia. Hooray for ART!!!

I know I’ve written in the past about happiness and joy increasing exponentially as life moves forward… and how I can’t believe the amazing things that continue to happen and the incredible amount of love, beauty and joy that has bestowed itself upon my being… but seriously, sometimes I feel like my face is going to break from smiling and the constant ball of emotion in my throat is going to set my head on fire. I keep waiting for somebody to show up at my door and tell me I just won a free teleportation device. Oh snap, it couldn’t get any better than that…

It’s going to be an incredible year.

To the Eternal Light,

Mail

2010-12-14T03:19:00.000-08:00

Here is my new address for the next two years!

Emily Enger
Str. Marshal Tito 146/5
1440 Negotino, Macedonia

Cards, letters, pictures, love notes, etc. are AWESOME and make me feel like I am still loved back home :) Packages are a slightly different story, and can be quite the expensive stressful cluster* to send and/or receive. I have everything I need here, so please don't bother! Stick with the love notes ;)

Love,
EM

Snow In Negotino!

2010-12-13T00:47:00.000-08:00

So I have a serious problem with future-think. My entire life, I’ve had a plan. Never a detailed plan, but at least the outline of the next step. I’ve had the next thing on the checklist of life and worked on it in the background while I was accomplishing whatever it was that I was at the moment. Move out of Libby, intern, work, finish college, volunteer, finish grad school, study/work abroad, work some more, join the Peace Corps, etc. Now that I’m in the Peace Corps, I’m thinking about my friends and family greeting me at the airport when I get back to the states, my best friend’s wedding, my wedding, where we’re going to live when I get back to the states, where I want to work and who I want to work for or whether I want to work for myself, whether I’m going to start on a second masters degree right away or not, etc. What I SHOULD be thinking about is continuing to learn more Macedonian, putting together the art curriculum for my secondary project, what other projects I can be working on at work, and focusing on being in the Peace Corps, as this is what I have wanted for so many years. It has nothing to do with my desire to be here, I most definitely want to be here and I am beyond thrilled to be involved already with as much as I am here. And this definitely doesn’t mean that I want to go home sooner than planned. My brain is just constantly running a million miles an hour and I have a hard time controlling it when I’m not in a situation where I can put myself into a meditative state. So it ends up trying to hammer 3 years forward without my actual permission. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve always been a planner because I’m an organizational freakshow, but at the same time I’m not the kind of person that needs to stick to any kind of life plan to feel secure or comforted or anything like that. Everything happens for a reason, and I embrace the spontaneity of life and the beauty it brings in unexpected ways, watching it unfold and being able to reflect on the entire process of connections as we grow older. I think having a clear and strong picture in my mind pushes my dreams to manifest, though in the way that they are supposed to rather than in the way I think they might. Perhaps that is the interest for me, to see how the path actually ends up looking to get to the end goal that I envision. I’m hoping that by writing this down that it will help me to focus on the here and now more than the ‘next thing’.

Also, I’m making a very strong effort to stop decimating my fingernails. I’ve always hated fingernails; I think they are a pain in the ass. I think it’s pointless to paint them or get fake ones. It’s not functional or practical and it is high maintenance. But I go to the other extreme and rip them off whenever they show the slightest bit of length. My Gram would not approve, and she always has nicely taken care of nails and doesn’t feel the need to paint them or do anything ridiculously vain to them. Now that she is so shaky, I would trim and file them for her whenever I was home. So my effort is for her, because I know she would think it was lady-like that I stop ripping my fingernails off like they are some enemy of mine. I miss her terribly and I think seeing nice fingernails on myself would make me feel like I’m not so far away from her. Random I know. But it makes me feel better. And I also think by publicly verbalizing this it will hold me accountable and I may actually be able to do it.

*Note: Between the time I wrote the beginning of this blog and the when I was able to access internet in order to post it, I plotted the beginning outline and intention for the art class as well as did a full review of all the Macedonian I have learned in the past three + months. I feel much better, and am currently back in the moment. I’m beyond excited to begin my secondary project, and very excited about the cross-border tourism project that we’re working on at my site as well. Not to mention that I haven’t ripped off a single fingernail. Woohoo!

My internet at my apartment still isn’t hooked up, and it’s starting to stress me out a bit. If I can’t talk to my friends and family by Christmas Eve I’m going to lose my mind. El Capitan continues to entertain… recently he has taken to conducting his own version of the Indy 500 around the apartment, sometimes using my actual head as a springboard when I am still in bed in the morning. It’s pleasant. He also enjoys hanging out in the kitchen staring at me making sad half-mewing noises while I cook food or make noise like I could potentially be making food, even going so far as to put his little paws up on the cupboard doors and beg like a dog trapped in a tiny cat’s body. Meanwhile, his food bowl is heaping, though I don’t blame him for craving some variety in his life. You may think it’s odd that I talk about this lovely little creature all the time now, but you should see how much I actually talk TO him, as though he is going to talk back. I live by myself in a country where people don’t understand much of what I say anyway, so I suppose it seems normal to me at this point. Did I mention that he likes to suck on his own arm? My landlords love him too luckily, just one more factor of their awesomeness. In fact, the wife came to my apartment the other night and whirled in with two massive plates of food and a giant cube of chocolate cake, grabbed me and kissed my cheek with amazing gusto and whirled right out the door again. A few nights before that, the husband hauled my washing machine up the stairs to my third floor apartment on his back with a friend balancing it from behind. Seriously. I heart them.

Apparently a cold front came into the Balkans, and the last couple days have been ridiculously colder than previous weeks. I have busted out the Smartwool again and the wonderful investment that is my Northface down coat. This weekend Austin and I went exploring and found the train station and the monastery. He took beautiful pictures, and I made friends with the monastery’s dog. It was blue-skied and sunny, but the wind was so cold that I was slurring for lack of feeling in my nose and lips. I would consider getting a ski mask but people already look at us like we’re strange anyway so I don’t think I need to compound the issue.

Another thing… I’ve had more and more people in the last couple of years tell me that I should write a book. I think about this often, and would really love to, but I think that those people have more confidence in my writing than I do. I just write what I think (with a bit -sometimes a lot- of censorship of course), and would have no idea how to organize any of my thoughts into something that would appear to be succinct and readable. There is a ridiculous amount of thought and philosophy swimming in my brain at all moments of the day, and so much that I would love to tell whoever reads it about how they can maximize their potential and contribute positively to humanity in order to make the world a better place but I wouldn’t even know where to begin as far as a book goes. So this is me, putting that thought out there in hopes for your thoughts back. Because this blog is mostly focused on my traveling and now Peace Corps, I don’t know if it is a good representation of what a book would say if I were to take on that task, but knowing me at whatever level that you do, would you be interested in reading it? What could you see it being about or like? What would you like to see it being about or like? Any other ideas? If you don’t want to post comments on here, send them to my Facebook or my email address at enger.emily@gmail.com. I’m really interested in hearing more thoughts on this. Thank you in advance :)

p.s. There is snow in Negotino! I was so excited this morning…

Peace and love,