Do you ever think of conversations that you had back in high school? When your brain is taking in and taking in and being socialized on a different level than it has been in the past… when you’re figuring out what you believe in but you’re not ready or really even sure how to communicate it yet… your actions don’t always necessarily reflect what you are actually feeling on the inside but you don’t know any better or fully understand what happened in your childhood to cause you to think and act the way you do. I think about specific conversations from that time period. Ones where I wish I would have had the articulation to tell a friend how I really felt about a situation on the inside and how I thought it would affect them… ones where I wish I could have explained to someone how much they were hurting me in the moment rather than letting it bottle up past the point of my understanding of forgiveness.
But I suppose that’s not how it’s meant to be. If it were, we would be born with already fully developed brains. Established morals, values, personality traits, etc. as soon as we appear in the world. Would this not defeat the potential purpose of life? To learn, experience, adapt… essentially grow your soul? It is easy to look back with every year and reflect, to see what led to what, what experience made you react to a certain situation in a certain way, what dreams and goals you had and how you have manifested them on your path through life so far. What you enjoy doing, what annoys you, how you behave in social situations, how you feel about life and what you feel your purpose for being here is. It then becomes a bit easier to look around you currently and make more educated guesses at what the near future may actually look like as a result of what is happening in your life now.
This waiting for my Peace Corps departure has given me a lot of time to think about things in a much more relaxed state than I have been for most of my still-short adult life. I have been very blessed in the last few months to have much much more spare time on my hands than I have ever had, and happen to be living with my best friend three hours from my hometown where almost all of the most important people in my life live… rather than the eight hours it has been for the last five years. And I have been soaking up and savoring every moment I have until I leave for Macedonia… the more days I have the more grateful I am for them. Life just keeps getting better, I keep getting happier, the love in my life just keeps growing. I wish that everyone in the world could be so happy and appreciative of what life is and what it could be like given the right attitude… understand that everyone and everything is connected…it would defeat the supposed purpose of wars, religions, genocide… all the negative things that separate people from each other in their minds.
Just finished reading The Help by Kathryn Stockett, a historical novel set in the 60s, written from the perspectives of two black slaves and a white woman trying to collect their stories and publish them during the incredible racism in Mississippi during the civil rights movement. Beautifully written story and a necessary read. Also just returned last week from an amazing adventure that my best friend planned as my graduation present… Gig Harbor for the 4th of July, lovely wine-filled Chelan, and the epic gift of the earth that is Stehekin. Again, the relaxation :) And a special congratulations! to my friends Genevieve and Avi on their most lovely wedding last night, it truly was the most wonderfully beautifully real expression of love that I have ever been so lucky to witness. It was a lovely reflection of the two of you, and I am so happy to have been there :)
The summer is flying by, and I’ll be departing soon… in the meantime, still relishing every moment and squealing for joy at the fact that Danielle and I have pit tickets for Dave at the Gorge this year. Oh it will be the perfect way to send myself off… joy, joy and more joy!
With love and gratitude,