Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The waves

I had no intention of posting this.
4/4: I’m worried that I’ve lost my motivation and/or passion. Not completely, I mean I haven’t changed as a person I don’t feel, I just feel like it has gone down a few notches, or maybe gone a different direction that I haven’t picked up on yet.  Perhaps being in an environment filled with so much of the opposite of motivation and passion and watching the gradual implosion of humanity at its own hands is starting to bring me down, discourage me, question any reason for hope that we as humans are going to be able to pull our heads out of our asses before we destroy ourselves.  I contemplate abandoning all my pie in the sky save the world plans and focusing on saving the animals instead.  Their destruction and endangerment isn’t their own fault.  I know I’m sensitive to various things, especially things that result when a handful of shitty humans are making life incredibly difficult and/or horrible for a very large number of other humans. 
I feel like it has gotten harder for me to meditate, harder for me to see the silver lining, harder for me to envision the future and where I may belong in it.  This is the first time in many years that I haven’t had a ‘plan’ or next step laid out.  There was always a move, or the next college or degree, then another move, then Peace Corps, then another move… and now I’m in a job that I’m really enjoying while not having homework every night for the first time pretty much ever.  I have time to spend with my new husband (4/18 note: oh yeah we went to the courthouse and got married on April 1st. It was super simple, quick, and deliciously romantic and I’m the happiest little newlywed ever. I never thought I would be this cheesy.), my dogs, I have time to grow plants, cook awesome meals, workout, keep my house clean, read what I want to, watch movies, and still sleep a full 8 hours a night.  Life is pretty effing amazing. But it’s still a strange feeling of non-direction.  I mean clearly I’m going in a direction, the direction I’ve been trying to go in for a long time.  There just isn’t a defined next step like I’m used to having on the horizon.  I haven’t had time yet to do any painting, so that could be contributing to my feeling of being slightly lost I suppose.  But writing helps too, and I haven’t been doing as much of that either. 
I’ve always struggled with the whole ‘living in the moment’ thing…I’ve written about it many times, and now that I don’t have said next step in mind, I suppose this somewhat forces me to live more in the now.  Which is great, I’ve been trying to do it for a long time. 
Two weeks later…
Wow that was depressing…I’m feeling much more relaxed and getting more and more comfortable by the day.  With the new lifestyle, with how I’m filling my thoughts, with humanity again, with mentally moving away from my experience with Peace Corps.  My job is providing me with new and unexpected personal and spiritual learning experiences on nearly a daily basis, and my optimistic perspective is coming back around with a deeper layer and thickened skin. 
Regarding the art aspect of my life, I read a great blog that emphasized simply ‘showing up to the table.’  You can’t create anything if you’re not standing in front of your surface of choice with the tool of your choice in your hand. So I did, and it worked, and I feel much better now.  I will continue to ‘show up to the table’, without an over-analyzed agenda, and see where it takes things. 
It’s getting very warm here, much to my happiness. I’m a bit frightened for the deathly temperatures of summer, but I so far I think it will totally be worth it.  I’ve planted some cacti, and one of them is already sprouting a little cactus baby. I’m so proud, as I’ve killed many a plant in my day.  I don’t want to jinx myself, but as of this moment, I’m keeping 10 cacti, 3 house plants, and 1 flower alive.  If things continue in this direction, I hope to move onto planting some tasty vegetables.  *fingers crossed* So desert life is going well so far :)