Saturday, August 20, 2011

Parting the Cloud

Beginning of the latest dust storm over Phoenix
So I’ve been doing a whole lot of bitching and moaning and being generally pissy and negative lately.  I suppose I hit a wall yesterday and realized what a whiner I’ve been.   
This will be my final rant, I promise:  Phoenix sucks.  It’s a dirty, ugly, dusty, concrete sprawl and I don’t understand how anyone who appreciates natural beauty of any sort could enjoy living here.  I feel like I can’t keep my house clean due to constant layers upon layers of dust floating in from our loose dirt slab of a ‘yard’ and I feel like I haven’t taken a single breath of clean air since I’ve been here.  I’ve been told that the first summer is rough, but holy shit.  The impending winter better be epic.  The cabin fever I feel far trumps any that I felt in the winter in Montana.  Just walking to the mailbox is a dirty, sweaty, exhausting event.  The last couple of weeks all I’ve felt like doing is sleeping, trying to cure this everlasting headache, painting, and generally sitting on my ass and wishing I was getting the fuck out of this godforsaken place and back to someplace with grass and trees.  Being broke and unable to fly anywhere with said greenery adds to the frustration.  

So here comes the positive.  I am married to my soulmate, the most loving, understanding, delicious, beautiful, devoted, amazing, wonderful husband I could ask for.  I never thought I would actually be in a relationship in which so much love is equally exchanged every day.  We live in a beautiful house that we have made our own, and have two of the best doggies that I have ever met in my life.  And I’m not just saying that because they’re ours.  They are up in the ranks with Fleetwood and Layla for sure.  I was vitamin D deficient for years living in Seattle, but now I am jacked up with vitamin D every day.  I got a fabulous job with some amazing people right after moving here, was able to enjoy the luxury of a brand new car briefly before I realized it was pointless and got my sweet ass back into the Jetta I know and love.  I have spare time to paint, to cook delicious meals, to work out, to write, and to spend with my husband and our doggies.  We have a super tall ceiling that is going to accommodate the giant Christmas tree of my dreams in about 4 months, my best friend came to visit, my other best friend is coming to visit soon, and my mama is even coming to visit in the fall.  I’m still having trouble getting to a meditative state lately, and I’m sure the cloud of negativity is what is impeding me, so I’m checking out the area Buddhist Temple to see if I can get back in the groove.  Very exciting :)
I don’t like how I’ve been thinking and behaving the past few weeks, and I realize that it is my choice to get past it and change my perspective.  I know that we aren’t going to live here forever, and that I need to soak up the vitamin D while I can and make the most of my time and capabilities here.  A lovely passage in a book was shared with me recently, one that encourages ‘riding the mule backward’ rather than forward.  We can’t see what is going to happen up ahead very well if at all, so it is better to put the energy into the present as well as where we’ve been.  In reflecting on this, I can’t say that I’m proud of how I’ve been handling the last few months of my life.  Regardless of the negative shit that I’ve gone through, it is still my choice in how to process it and use it to benefit the rest of my days moving forward.  So Peace Corps wasn’t the best experience for me.  I know I need to move on. I’m not there anymore, and I don’t ever have to be in that position again.  I hope I’m in the position to go back and visit all those I love there eventually, but that will be strictly for pleasure and un-Peace Corps related.  I learned some incredibly valuable things while I was there, about myself included of course, and I met some people that will be in my life forever.  This is incredibly valuable, and I am very grateful for that.  It just wasn’t for me.  Perhaps it would have turned out different if I had been younger or done it before grad school.  But who knows, what’s done is done, and it is pointless to dwell.  So no more of that either.
Life is good, love is good, and I am blessed to be where I am in life and doing what I’m doing.  I’ve been letting the dust cloud over Phoenix impair my usually rosy outlook on life, and I am taking the control back.  Besides, fall approaches and soon we will be able to leave the house again, followed by guests, Christmas, my best friend’s bachelorette party, then my best friend’s birthday and many more beautiful things to experience.  Lesson learned, universe.  My intention is positivity, love and joy.  Not the latter. 
With gratitude,