Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Shedding the mud

So apparently I'm going through a serious 'lesson learning' period in my life right now. At least that's how it feels, and what my constant lucid dreams are telling me the last few weeks. As I've discussed a million times, my future-think problems reached a raging climax a couple of weeks ago. I was feverishly trying to figure out what I needed/wanted to get a degree in next, even going so far as to consider going into the Air Force as an officer and getting a full scholarship. I avoided this rabbit hole after some more thought. And a 'you need to calm the eff down' lecture from the best friend. I realized that simply not having a solid, tangible goal makes me feel very lost and confused. And without a graduation, application, internship abroad, etc. on the horizon... I suppose I just have to re-evaluate my definition of the word 'goal'. Its not really feasible at this point for me to start a Ph.D. program, when we won't be living anyplace long enough for me to finish one. Its pointless for me to get another Masters when I would rather just get the Ph.D. I also haven't fully reached a conclusion on what that Ph.D. should be in yet. So that answers that. So a goal doesn't have to be a degree or a destination, it can be anything really. But I don't play small potatoes. I'm into life-changing accomplishments. So how do I balance this? Enter Danielle and her new bundle of nutritional discovery (I live vicariously through her Naturopath appointments). We are both in constant search of practices to be as healthy as possible, so this is a pretty exciting concept. So I'm going Paleo. Google it.
Two weeks later...
Just reading a study about how a period of serious unhappiness can actually lower your level of overall happiness even after the 'dark period' is over. Is that what has happened to me?

I have never questioned my level of optimism, happiness, and general joy before. And I don't feel that I am unhappy... I'm incredibly happy actually. I just don't feel like certain things have the same 'spark' for me as they once did. My level of excitability has decreased, my faith in others and humanity in general has decreased, my faith in myself has even decreased. I have questioned my academic decisions, my aspirations, my ideas, wondering if I spent all these years going in the wrong direction. This whole idea completely contradicts my assertion that everything happens for a reason, the spiritual curriculum is planned before we arrive here, etc. I still very much believe this. But was I really supposed to commit my life to serving others, viewing service in the Peace Corps as the epitome of that service... only to be completely dashed and disappointed by what I experienced there? It has most definitely tainted my view of the human services/nonprofit realm and my role in it. I have been having some regret about not combining the art development into my education as well. I feel I have become more reclusive, having much less interest and desire to deal with the public or public places. (This is where a therapist would say we need to talk I'm sure). That could just be living in Phoenix though.

As far as the art goes, now that I'm out of school and have more time, I have made a personal commitment to myself to really put more energy into this aspect of my life. (Check out the new tab! Etsy Shop coming soon...) I feel positive about it, and hope it grows into something that I can be proud of. As far as the negative side of all of this, I know that I sometimes have unrealistic expectations of people/situations, and I then blame others (or the people in charge of said situation) when my high expectations are not met. This is my fault. I'm working on it. Nonetheless, my massive disappointment with that experience has caused a very long residual trail of self-reflection, self-analysis, and a feeling of being somewhat lost professionally. If you asked me right now what my dream job would be... I could give a few snippets of ideas, but I have nowhere near the massive big-picture plan that I used to. Even worse, I question my capabilities of accomplishing those visions I once had. I'm still trying to figure out why. Do I really feel that I'm not capable? Or is it that I'm just not interested in the same visions as I once was? I don't think I agree with a lack of capability, I moreso feel that my passions are taking a different direction that I haven't quite been able to define yet. And that lack of definition is the cause of Negative Nancy swimming around in my head. I know I am very committed to the art. This aspect is going to take on a seperate life of its own. But I am also realistic, and know that a 'normal' job is also necessary for survival, structure, use of my academic achievements and preventing me from becoming an eccentric recluse in an art studio.

Some things I can move on quickly from. Some things take me longer. Its rough being a Sensitive Sally sometimes. The worst is thinking that I am 'over' something and then it comes cruising back around to remind me that I'm not quite there yet. Baby steps I guess.

I also have a bad habit of writing these massive thought blurbs and then reading them again the next day and having moved past it, don't feel the need to post it. Writing on its own is therapeutic, and always helps me deal and move forward, but then it kind of defeats the purpose of a having a blog, right? I'll work on that, too.