Sunday, November 27, 2011

Waiting for the Click

What right do I have to be uninspired, to be without passion? I have been struggling with this for awhile now… the loss of charge, the loss of fire for what I believe in...and the guilt that corresponds.  I feel like if I can pinpoint exactly what it is that caused it, then I will be able to cure it.  I’m slowly getting there, little bits at a time, but only when I am presented with an incredibly inspirational human or act.  It used to be that I could find that inspiration in every little piece of my day, no matter the circumstances.  Is it simply aging? I refuse to believe that.  Many older women over the years have told me that my optimism will decrease with age.  What a dismal thought.  Is it because I have been surrounded by mostly ugly scenery for over a year now?  Apparently picturing natural beauty in my head and seeing pictures is not good enough, I need to see it first-hand, breathe it, touch it.  But could that loss of aesthetic appeal be so closely tied with my loss of inspiration and passion?  I am so desperate to have it back, and am working so hard to figure out what I can do to retrieve it.  World leaders and governments definitely aren’t providing a platform for hope, and the delusional sheep that enable them make me feel like it is a pointless fight.  I can’t wrap my mind around such selfishness and greed, nor the idea that each of us are so separate from each other.  But good doesn’t win by sitting back and letting evil progress of course.  I suppose I also struggle with still being unsure of exactly what it is I’m supposed to/want to be doing with my life.  The college/grad school part is over-- I’m supposed to know, right? So many people don’t, but I never thought I would be that person.  It’s still blurry in my mind, and the more experience I gain and information I obtain, the blurrier it has become.  Education reform?  Yes.  Art?  Yes.  Maximizing the potential of every human?  Yes.  It seems easy, mashing my 3 passions into something amazing that will change the world…it always felt like it would be easy, anyway.  I know there is an element of insecurity in all of this as well… being told I essentially suck my entire childhood by the person that should have been doing the opposite leaves some serious scarring on a freakishly sensitive soul such as my own.  I’ve come a long way in that department, but I know that is the reason that many of my ideas and aspirations don’t make it past the private journal stage… that fear of sucking.  Or failure, or disapproval by others… you get the idea.   Its not that there has been a lack of approval or encouragement, not by a long shot.  But we all know that the 1% of something can have incredible dominance over the 99%, in so many aspects of life and our thought processes.  It is figuring out the key to overcoming that tiny piece of negativity and hanging onto it for dear life that is the struggle.  Meanwhile, I keep showing up to the table; the art table, the work table, the learning table… and having faith that it’s going to click when it is supposed to click.