Why I chose to leave Peace Corps

This has the potential to be the longest blog entry on the face of the earth, but I’m going to try to do this in a fashion that will not bore or annoy you.  Let me start with an analogy.  You know when you’re in a relationship that you know isn’t going anywhere?  Yet you keep hanging on because you don’t know what you would do otherwise and you’re clinging to the hope that one day you will wake up and it will be ‘better’?  Well I’ve been clinging to that hope for about 5 months now, and I still cannot shake this overarching feeling of unhappiness.  On the surface, my life here has sounded pretty great, and I know my blog didn’t usually convey much negativity, for many reasons.  I have awesome sitemates, fabulous friends at nearby sites, great colleagues at work, and I had some really exciting projects in the works.  GLOW, and the girls in my art class have been the number one highlight of this experience for me hands down.  It also has nothing to do with Peace Corps as a body.  I had wonderful personal experiences with almost every staff member, and was supported and taken care of from day one.  And despite all those positives, on a daily basis I question whether I am supposed to be here or not, whether this is the right decision for my life right now, what I should be doing otherwise, and how much longer I can stand for my sad days to outnumber my happy ones.   While everything was right on the outside, it was not right within.

I know many people will quickly assume that my engagement made me leave, which isn’t true.  Some will still presume as such, but they are irrelevant.  Of course I would rather be waking up next to him everyday than my cat, but we are used to long distance and it was not the deciding factor in this situation.  I have tried as many methods as I can to reach a point of contentedness, making sure there were things in my daily routine that had brought me joy back home.  I would feel good for a short period of time, but then descend even further down than I was before.  For awhile I thought it was just crazed PMS (see previous post) but it became apparent that it wasn’t going away. 

Even though they both told me its ok and they totally understand, I feel as though I owe massive apologies to the VAC committee, and especially GLOW.  I deeply care about these issues and was 100% committed at the time I was brought on, but they weren’t enough to outweigh all the other factors at the end of the day.  My guilt over this piece in particular had upped my stress level to the point of anxiety attack… which is no fun.  The whole thought process and struggle with the decision began to affect my health in various ways, which led to my closest friends back home becoming concerned about my being here as well. 

I know we’re in the ‘posh corps’, I know I could be living in a mud hut or freezing my ass off somewhere.  I appreciate that.  But I still can’t manage to get happy, even though everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, and that it may be too early to make the decision.  But when you’re unhappy for that long and it is affecting your health, a change needs to take place.  So that is what I’m doing.  This decision was horrifyingly difficult for me, the most difficult decision that I have ever made…and I shed a lot of tears over it and felt like the floor was falling out from underneath me on several occasions.  And if you are disappointed, don’t worry, I have enough disappointment for everyone combined.  Bottom Line: Life is too short.  If I was told that I was going to die tomorrow, would I regret having spent my last days here? Yes.  And asking myself that question is what pushed me to finally make my decision.

This experience has definitely been life changing for me, as short as it has been in comparison to what it could have been.  I have learned an immense amount about myself, others, this culture, and even more about my personal values and what is important to me moving forward in life.  Everyone in my life has provided endless, amazing and unconditional love and support from the day I decided to apply until now, and I know it will continue, because I have incredible people in my life like that.  I know I need to look at this as a learning experience and not a failure, but that piece is really hard to swallow as well.  The more days that go by since making the decision, the relief slowly overtakes the stress.  But I feel like there are other things that I should be doing with my work and my life right now that would be bringing me much more joy, and I don’t want to waste time that could be spent doing them.

I will be forever grateful for having gone through this experience, and for all the wonderful people that I met along the way.  For now, I’m headed back to Montana to decompress on my best friend’s couch for a few weeks, and then off to Phoenix to move in with my future husband and hopefully go back to working with old people all day, as that is where my heart truly lies.  Without trying to sound like an award speech, I want to specially express gratitude to Tracy, Austin, Deb, Lidija, Lolita, Ivana T., Matt, Nadica, Christine Moore, Sofija, Monika, Amanda, Aimee, Robert, Candy and Jasminka , and of course my host family for being particularly awesome, supportive, loving, rational and overall amazing humans for the past 5 months.  I hope to have you all in my lives for many many years to come. 

Leaving Negotino was a very bittersweet moment, and I was showered with love, tears, hugs and gifts…from my counterparts and friends… even my landlord was crying.  I did not expect to have made such an emotional impact in such a short period of time.  It was very humbling, and saddened me very much to be leaving everyone.  I spent my last three days in Macedonia in Skopje, going through all the exit meetings, doctor appointments, etc. that a volunteer must go through when departing the Peace Corps.  The incredible Tracy (who will be taking loving care of Captain as well as the art class for me, for those who are wondering) came with me to help me and be with me through the day, and I will never be able to thank her enough for the difference that made.  After all of my meetings for that day, we went and wandered around Skopje, and she showed me some things that I hadn’t seen yet.  Unfortunately, I failed to have my camera on me, otherwise I would share.  Just believe me that it was interesting :)  The highlight of the day was when we went to Mother Teresa’s memorial in the center of Skopje.  At the top of the building/museum, there is a small yet beautiful dedication chapel that is constructed almost completely of glass, complemented by intricate metal working and wood carving throughout.  The ceiling is very tall, and has a massive dome patterned skylight that I’m sure makes it even more epic inside when the sun is shining.  As I sat there absorbing the love that was put into the construction of this space, my mind quieted for the first time in a very long time, so much so that I was actually able to hear the voice in my head besides my own.  I came from that room with a sense of calm and assurance that I have not had since I arrived in Macedonia, and am very comforted in my decision to depart. I know that I am doing the right thing for me at this time, and once again my path is going in a different direction that I thought it was, but I am still only partway on that path and stopping is not an option… as usual. 

With so much love and gratitude,

Emily Jo

Wake up sun

Photo by jotomolo

How could your day NOT be off to a fabulous start when you are gently and silently awoken by the beautiful beams of liquid delight streaming in through your window?  I have such a deeper appreciation for the sun than I did as a child, as it is pretty much sunny all the time in Montana.  Even when it is so cold that your nostrils freeze shut, the sun is still glaring off the snow in an attempt to blind you with joy.  I didn’t realize how much the sun or lack thereof affected me until I spent 5 years in Seattle and went for sometimes weeks and weeks straight under the grey could of DOOM. I would find myself having total emotional breakdowns and spending a thousand dollars to go to Sedona by myself for one weekend just so I could have spa treatments in the sun for three days and regain my sanity.  Finally, my doc tested my Vitamin D levels and discovered that I was 50% deficient, and I was educated on the massive effects that this deficiency can have on one’s existence. 

Speaking of which, there was a thick, cold, grey blanket of fog over Negotino (and other places I’m sure) for over a week, and it nearly killed me.  Everyone seems to be aware of my ‘dark period’ now, and from the feedback I’ve gotten, I now know that I’m not the only one that has been struggling on and off.  *Thank you, this makes me feel a lot better* :)  I have requested more sufficient Vitamin D from Dr. Darko,  you may want to consider doing the same.  The day that the sun finally appeared in Negotino, I was overcome with joy and pretty much skipped out of my apartment and had an idealist fantasy that winter was over and the sun was going to greet me everyday until December came again.  It lasted for about 5 days, and now we are back to the grey, cold, snowy business.  Needless to say, I have been doing a lot of sleeping and watching TED talks and seeking inspiration from every source possible. 

On the work side, things are great.  We’re preparing for the wine festival, St. Trifun, and for the upcoming travels in relation to the grant.  Slovenia is first on the list, in March!  I hear its beautiful, so that is exciting.  I’ve met with a couple of the local NGOs, and it looks like a couple of interesting projects are going to come from that, and the highlight of my week is meeting with my GLOW girls and planning for the art class.  Meanwhile, I still fantasize about Mexican food, sushi, avocadoes, and real chai. 

Last week, Austin and I attended Vodici, the annual cross-throwing event at the river Vardar.  This event happens in every community in the biggest body of water, and is similar to our Polar Bear clubs, but for a purpose.  Nearly the whole town turned out to watch, and the priest performed a blessing on the cross and the river, and then chucked the cross with some sort of plant/herb bunch tied to it.  I was expecting many more people to be swimming, but about 15 men jumped in the water after it.  Go up to my ‘other joyous links’ tab and you will see all the pictures.  The guy that gets the cross gets to ask all the town people for money and is blessed for the coming year.  

Kristin and the amazing Fleetwood in back

This Saturday, one of my best friends will be celebrating her 28^th birthday, so I wanted to give her a public shout-out of love and appreciation. Kristin, you are a magnificently beautiful human.  Your honesty can be sharp at times, but it is always appreciated.  You are an amazing friend, provide endless love to those close to you, and have been there for me in any and every situation since the day I met you.  I feel incredibly blessed to know you, to have gotten to live with you, be a part of your life, and to be one of the few that gain entry into the ‘Kristin circle’.  You have perfected the mixture of caring compassion and rationalism and I am forever grateful for you.  I love you so much, and miss you and your sweet Scooby-Doo boxers.  I hope you have a beautiful birthday weekend :)

Love,

EM

The root of the love.

The Gpa.

So when I decided to start writing occasional posts about the things that I love, of course this is the first one that came to mind.  I mean seriously, check him out.  How could you not love that magnificently adorable man?  This picture is of him on the day I graduated from Seattle University with my Masters degree.  He was “so proud he could just bust” as he has stated to me many, many times.  I bought him that bowtie because I knew it would up his adorable factor by about a thousand. 

But let’s really talk about G-pa.  This man has been doing nothing but giving since I was born, and since he was born as well I would imagine.  This is the man that inspires me to be the best possible human I can be, because being anything less would make me feel unworthy of his endless pride that he has for me.  He has sacrificed his own situation and finances countless times in order to help the ones that he loves.  While making sure that I’m happy, warm, well fed and have a car with good tires on it, he is hanging out watching MASH by himself in his one-bedroom apartment in his slippers from the thrift store.  I try to get him to move in with me all the time, but he’s not having it.  If I ever try to pay for breakfast, it nearly turns into a public brawl.  If it weren’t for him, I literally would not be where I am today.  He has enabled my education, my travels, my transportation, my growth, my emotions, my soul-search.  He has inspired my personality, my values, my direction in life, and my perception of other humans.  He became my standard for men, and my confidence that good ones do exist.  He is one of the main reasons that I hesitated when making the decision to join Peace Corps, because being away from him causes me pain, and the thought of losing him and not being able to make it back in time makes want to… well, I can’t really find the words for that kind of heartache.  But I accepted that such a horrifying thing could happen even if I was only next door, and made sure to tell him in printed detail about my love and appreciation for him before I left the country.  He would have kicked my ass if I were to stay because of him, anyway. 

Here is a small excerpt from what I wrote him:  I talk to God everyday, and there is a special place in my mind that I reserve for my most passionate prayers, the ones in which I am screaming my gratitude for the incredibly abundant, full and beautiful life that I have been so blessed to live and the people I have with me.  In particular, I am basking in thanks for you, Grampa.  Without you and your endless multi-faceted support system, your encouragement, your selflessness, your generosity, your beautiful heart and soul, continued sacrifices, positivity, worry, optimism and listening, I would not be where I am today.  You make me proud to be who I am because you tell me you are so proud of who I am.  Seeing the sparkle of excitement and joy in your eyes every time I come home to Libby makes me want to run back out into the world and work even harder at being the best possible human I can be and do as much good in the world as I possibly can.  And to quote another favorite man of mine (Dave Matthews of course), “I love you oh so well, like a kid loves candy and fresh snow – I love you oh so well, enough to fill heaven, overflow and fill hell”

So yeah.  It wouldn’t make sense for me to start writing about all the things I love about life without first addressing the main reason that my life is what it is in the first place.  Gpa, my little Norwegian blessing.  Thank you for always being on the other end of the phone, for choosing to love me, for believing in me, and just for being.  No container could ever hold the amount of love. Ever.

I love life.

EM

Click for Inspiration

I would love to write something profound. Something that makes people say ‘oh my God, that is exactly what I needed to read today’.  How do you do that? I read so many different things everyday, find new blogs everyday that I find incredibly insightful, intellectual, hilarious, inspiring, etc.  I would love to be that for someone else.  I feel like I possibly have some valuable insight to share… I went through some rough shit at a young age, as many folks have, and it forces you to grow up fast and realize things about yourself and the world that you may not have realized without having gone through said pain/experience.  I feel like I have done a good job at figuring out the areas in which I excel, the areas in which I don’t, figuring out what I am passionate about and directing my life towards feeding those passions.  I feel like I have maintained a positive attitude throughout life, and fought my negative moods tooth and nail when they do occur… because I believe that happiness is a choice, attitude is a choice, gaining perspective is a choice, loving is a choice, and how you deal with the circumstances that life brings your way is your choice as well.  It is a choice to not take care of yourself, and I think that taking care of yourself means all aspects of yourself… mentally, physically and internally, meaning your soul. 

To take care of all aspects of yourself is, to me, the highest honor you can bestow upon your creator, regardless of ‘who or what’ you think this creator is; the Universe, God, Supreme Being, the Divine, your Highest Self, the One, etc.  I like all of these titles, as I think they all accurately describe what most of us seek.  If we go further with this, and believe that this Being is of us, within us, around us, and IS us, and by us I mean ALL of us, then shouldn’t we be taking care of all aspects of not only ourselves, but everything about the world around us, as well as each other?  In a nutshell, spending your life damaging others and the world around you is equally if not more damaging to yourself, to your soul.  There is an enormous difference between taking care of yourself, and only caring about yourself.  There are far too many people that don’t understand this distinction. 

I think maximizing your potential falls under the category of taking care of yourself.  Figure out what you love, figure out what you’re good at, figure out what you’re passionate about, what makes you the most happy in life, and then DO IT.  This is a win-win situation, for those that will encounter you in life, and for your soul.  Don’t do something because it pays you a lot of money.  Do something because you absolutely love it, believe in it, and can’t imagine living your life any other way.  Your love, talent and passion for it are the things that will make you a success.  “Don’t use your life as a tool to make money. Use money as a tool to live your life.”  So many people are confused and/or sure that money is going to bring them eventual happiness, or provide ‘financial freedom’.  Who gives a shit about money if at the end of the day you don’t have one genuine person in your life that loves you enough to tell you how obvious it is that you aren’t happy? You can’t take it with you, your soul is the only thing that continues, and if it looks essentially the same as when you entered this life… well that to me would be failure. 

I think that I might start writing about the things in life that I love.  This could create endless blog posts, as there is so much to love about life, and I am so blessed as an individual that I have tons of things to write about that would smear love all over this page.  Yup.

Onward and upward,

EM :)

Kitteh on Drugz

So I took the Captain to get ‘castrated’ today as they call it here.  I put him in his carrier this morning and began the trek across town to the veterinary office, and I could feel him vibrating the whole way there, though he made it without fear pooping, which is always good.  The doc and his assistant took him, and asked if I wanted to watch. Hell no, thanks. I feel bad enough, let alone with him looking at me and knowing I was responsible for him getting his manhood chopped off.  They told me it would only take a half hour, which was surprising, I thought I would have to come back and pick him up later in the day.  So I hung out and chatted with the other woman that worked there, and soon they brought me kitty in his carrier, wobbling back and forth with pupils the size of, well, his whole eye.   I get him home and open his carrier to see if he can even do anything, and he only makes it as far as his neck, with his paw reaching desperately out in front of him waiting for the couch to stop moving in circles I suppose.  He looked terrified, as I would be as well if someone shot me full of drugs and removed one of my body parts in under 30 minutes, so I tried to lay down with him so he could cuddle and maybe feel slightly comforted.  This went well, until I moved too quickly to scratch his head and he thought that demons were swooping in to end his life and he rocketed off the couch using his back claws in my arm as a catapult.  I looked to the floor, and he lay there in a drug-induced blob of fur, eyes wild with fear and non-understanding of his ability to run or accurately assess his spatial surroundings.  I brought him back up to the couch for attempt #2.  He feebly tried to nuzzle his head under my arm, but couldn’t keep it steady and his eyes were still the size of saucers.  He kept nudging forward until he was at the edge of the couch and slowly tried to extend his paws toward the floor, succeeding, yet not figuring out how to get his back half down there with him…so I helped him with that step.  He teetered and wobbled toward the dresser, and 5 minutes later, made it the 2 feet and then began to army crawl in an attempt to get under the dresser. His back half was still not with him at this point, so he splayed his back legs apart as far as possible and just drug them, while fear peeing due to his complete lack of comprehension of the world. Or numbness. Or a combination of both. Hooray for hardwood floors.  Let us also note that his ‘area’ is dyed green from what I’m not sure, I’m guessing something similar to an antiseptic that happens to be green in these parts.  Anyway, he continues to make his way along the wall at a painfully slow and swirvy/wobbly-type pace, eyes still blasted open all the while.  I follow him, and he is going for the litter box! Such a good kitteh… sooooo effed up and still manages to make it to the toilet… I’m so proud :) After this, I decide to put him back in his carrier so he can just relax and hopefully not have a complete mental breakdown.  A few hours later, he emerges, with an apparent higher awareness of what is happening in the world, walks in a few circles, stares at me in wonder, eats two kibbles, and passes the eff out.  Still sleeping as I write this.  Rough day for the kitteh.  I hope that when he wakes up and assesses his ‘situation’ that he doesn’t hate me and still wants to cuddle :(  This may have seemed like an extensive explanation of such an event, but it provided me massive entertainment for a few hours. 

I haven’t blogged much lately because I haven’t been in the greatest place mentally, and have been doing some serious soul searching and assessment of what it is exactly that I’m doing over here, what I need to do over here, what I want to do over here, what I’m ‘supposed’ to do over here, and everything in between.  I even questioned briefly whether I should be here at all, and am also trying to figure out what kind of work I’m supposed to be doing when I return to the states, even though this may be a premature thought process.  I have decided that another Masters is not on the list of desires, at least for now.  Everything here that causes any kind of stress, frustration, annoyance, or any other negative feeling… is maximized and much more intense, due to (at least for me) the simple fact that my entire support system is on the other side of the planet.  It can appear from most of my blogs that everything is wonderful and magical and great and happy, but that definitely isn’t the case all the time.  I tend to put anything that doesn’t come off as completely fabulous in a written journal instead…which has its pros and cons, just as anything does :) 
Doing so, however, can also make the negative much worse, when it feels like everyone back home thinks everything is fabulous when its really not.  So here is me saying its not easy.  There, I feel better.

What I would love right now is a maple bar.  

You almost won this time, crazed raging hormones.

Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about the flailing emotional rollercoaster that PMS injects into my brain, causing me to curl into myself like a black hole of optimism-sucking doom and question every factor of my current existence.  Not only does this uncontrollable occurrence of nature ram into my brain like an asteroid, it does so sneakily… so stealth in fact that I don’t even realize what time of the month it is, nor do I remember that I have a slight hormone imbalance, or why I feel like Armageddon has just descended upon my life plans.  It is only days later when my lady-parts start firing flaming poison-tipped arrows at my other lady-parts that my brain suddenly emerges from the vast and seemingly endless pit of black pessimism sludge and starts to function clearly and logically once again.  Birds are chirping, the clouds part, and the sun emerges…if only to let me know that it does, in fact, still actually exist.  

Ok, so I’m constantly accosted by unhealthy food, drinks and cigarette smoke.  I will continue to politely say no and go on with my day, my work, and my life while avoiding rooms filled with the poison cloud at all costs.  My desire is not to offend by declining; my desire is to maintain my physical health. 

And my Macedonian sucks.  It has slowly been draining from my brain since the last day of PST.  I rarely use it, I very rarely need to use it, will very rarely need to use it in the future of my work here given the nature of the projects I’m doing, and at this point see my language capabilities growing very little over the next two years.  I will not continue to stress about this. I am fine with this.  I have what I need to survive and take care of myself, and will learn more at leisure during the next two years. (This is me reaffirming feel-good statements for the sake of my mental health.) 

And a few other things that I will remain PC about. 

So shame on you, overabundance of chemicals, for making me question whether or not I should really be here due to a few minor/petty details.  Of course I should be here. My job is awesome, my colleagues are awesome, and I’m one lucky chick.  This year is going to be kick ass, even though you managed to obliterate the first 3 days of it.  The rest are mine.

Sincerely,

ME.